Depression

With a certain degree of truth and accuracy, I think I am officially clinically depressed. War of argument and logical explanation rages in my head. Joining LG seems to totally sap me of my joy. I can't remember when was the last time I truly cannot be bothered on a Saturday and it seems that today is the day.

Didn't even managed to make it through 30 minute after dinner, I just walked out on the dinner. I just hate to see how nonchalant Jeremy is and how Aaron seems to be oblivious to everything. Everyone seems to be real happy. I feel like a lunatic.

I have lost my ability to be happy for people. Maybe subconsciously, I am actually annoyed that people are joyful and I can't be. Right now, I really wish that I could lose my memories. I can't believe how memories can be so sweet yet bitter at the same time, yet it is. It is the case for me. I can't think back to good memories without being depressed and sad about what's happened. It seems like my whole entire life is a story of tragic ending.

Maybe the inevitable is coming. Perhaps I have to come to admit that it is unavoidable that in order to walk away, learn to let go and forgive is to really walk away from everyone whom I ever loved because looking at them are the source of misery for me. Or maybe the source of misery is myself, probably is. But I guess baby steps.

Fall

Looking back at Year 2014, all I can say is, it's a year full of turbulent. Perhaps one of my worst year in the 21 year on human earth. It's funny how I have desired so much to leave the Army yet at this point of time, I am yearning with all my heart to go back. Not sure if it is because I miss the people, the memories, or the carefree nature of it. All I know was, the past 2 years in NS has been a blessing in disguise.

With the past 3 month behind, I feel that I have descended onto a downward spiral, emotionally and spiritually. Never have I ever felt so lonely and bitter, maybe when I realize how fake my friends in Secondary School were but this is different. It is depressing I supposed.

Supposed you have based your life on the one thing and spent every waking moment obsessing over it, what happens when that one thing in your life turns out to be something different, or losing sight of it? I feel as though I am staring straight into hell, Sometimes, it does feel that every waking moment is like living hell.

I think on a subconscious level, I do blame and maybe, a tinge of hate towards God for the whole Maurise saga that happened. Both for the ostracizing of Issac and the whole split-Lifegroup leadership thing. No doubt I believe in the existence of God and the whole thing about Jesus dying. But at this point, the story of a loving God seems rather far-fetched and fake to me, honestly.

Loneliness has never been so loud until now. I genuinely thought that there are people whom I can lean on and stand with to fight the battle for truth. However coming to this point, I find myself standing alone, hating and feeling bitter over what happened while everyone around me seems to have move on. This really questions my confidence and my sanity. Am I picking a fight or everyone just can't be bothered to give a flying fuck about truth and rights?

I think Ben Sledge from Heart Support puts this perfectly that everyone carries open wounds and shards of glass. But then it seems to me that I am always the one being prick and triage-ing and no one is here to tend to my wounds. I'm starring straight into hell and everyone around me is blind to it. Truly, it is at this time that I find myself strength-less.

Whatever visions I see for Ignite 12, I have lost it and I have no strength to accomplish it. It seems to me that I am the only one fighting and everyone is just gathering for the rah-rah on a Saturday evening because we got nothing else better to do. It's a lifegroup that I have found no life and fellowship in. It's a lifegroup that I find myself running away instead of confiding. How ironic and conflicting!

At the very end, I have found that no one is dependable. At my greatest time of needs. Was I running away from this cold hard truth all the time or was I just naive? Life seems hardly worth living, except that I acknowledge I do not own my life and I have no rights to take my own life.

- Ben