Newman, Love, Talbott

It is terrifying how time passes with the last blog post being 30th September. I guess it simply just signifies how busy I have been and I have not been reflecting nor writing for the past 20 days.

With the past 3 weeks that has flew by unknowingly, with a clearer mind and stable emotion, I am confident to say that it is a right choice to move out of Ignite 7th. Although it did made the church questioned my spiritual stability and being taken out of the music ministry, I think I have exchanged back my sanity and joy.

I'm glad that I am able to view things with an objective mindset and with the very least prejudice I could afford. At least through this very stage, I know who stands by as my friend and those who I could lean on for a little support. Nonetheless, burdening others has never been my strong point and never will be in the near future I supposed.

I want to reflect on this very specific person and his philosophy today. Newman. John Henry Newman. There is not a chance that I could have met this man because he passed away at 1890 in Birmingham, United Kingdom. Newman was a Cardinal Deacon in one of the Roman Catholic church in England, in the last moment of his life.

It is by randomness that I discovered this man. While considering the University I should go to, University College Dublin was one of the choice. And upon researching on the history of UCD, Newman was the man who founded this University in the 1800s and on the first day, he prophesied that this University will grow to be a prestigious one. Indeed it is, the biggest University in Ireland and top 2% in the world.

However, it is not this prophecy that caught my attention. It is his definition and sermon on love. I have never seen anyone who described love better than Newman himself when he decided to write this sermons around 180+ years ago.

"...Now I shall here maintain, in opposition to such notions of Christian love, and with our Savior's pattern before me, that the best preparation for loving the world at large, and loving it duly and wisely, is to cultivate an intimate friendship and affection towards those who are immediately about us." - John H. Newman , Volume 2 Sermon 5, Love of Relations and Friends. Circa. 1835.

He is also a man who had very close relations with a few people and in the last few moment of his life, he willed to be bury in the same graves of his dear friend.

Personally, I think as human, we all desire intimacy and close relationship. And undoubtedly, we cannot have intimacy with a crowd but only small group of people. It is also my judgmental nature that I deem anyone as shallow if they do not desire one. It just means they want attention, and at that with a big group of people, not intimacy. These are not people you can lean a shoulder on at times of needs and pain.

Coming back to the current circumstance, I am beginning to enjoy Ignite 12th. I have always enjoyed that I don't have to put on a face of spirituality if I don't feel spiritual and I don't have to oblige myself to obey instructions that I don't believe in. In the end, I supposed it's a good call and that's all I need to know.

Hopefully at the end of all this, it is God who is trying to lead me to somewhere and this is an experience that is part of the learning package and not because I decided to take things into my own hand. Still, I acknowledge that I need to step away from Haojie and I need to let go of whatever I had held onto my heart and gain new understandings.

- Ben

Thoughts and Memoirs

Spent the whole last week burying my head into the basic theories and defensive theories for Class 2B. I can only say that it is totally draining and a waste of time. Well, except to refresh my knowledge on the do's and don't on the road. And then, lots of time on debating back and forth on the thoughts in my head.

These 2 and 1/2 week has certainly been a period of much thinking. Certainly emotional as well. I am surprisingly well-aware of my feelings and the emotions I am going through. I guess the best way to explains is that I'm going through the 5 stages of grief.

It is funny because the 5 stages of grief can only occur when you are grieving for something. A loss, death of a loved ones, sudden emotional trauma, .etc. And maybe this applies because the church and the Lifegroup specifically has been a big part of my life.

After this short period of time, reality has hit hard that I really don't have a life outside of church. It is really depressing that this thing that I have spent a large part of my life revolving around, failed me in the end. Ultimately it is true that God did not fail me but I felt compel to blame God for this.

It is disappointing as well that ever since I made the decision to leave, most people are just speculating on why I made the decision to leave and judging me while what I truly do need is just someone to hear my thoughts and concerns. I think coming to this point of time, I am reassured that only Blogger is willing to listen. Listen, not just hear.

Disappointment after one another, it is sad that they have decided to put me out of the musio. Whether temporary or not, it is hurting to find out that the decision was made without even discussing with me or finding out what happened. Instead, all this went on behind my back. Maybe people are just afraid of people lying to one another.

Perhaps majority of those people who left church, maybe what they need at the very point of making the decision was truly just a listening ear. When Glenn made the decision to leave, I did not sit around, do a differential on why he is leaving. I met him up and had coffee. Oh wait, maybe I'm just different. Perhaps over-radical? While Jeremy says that he saw this "difference in leadership style" coming, maybe he should ask himself if he had a plan so that things would not end up like this.

I'm not trying to victimized myself. I am the victim of this whole shit that went down. And no, I do not sit around crying wolf but there's just no choice. Nothing can be done. Utterly disappointed that Jeremy said he will not interfere in this matter. Utterly disappointed that Ignite 12th is falling apart and Jeremy seems nonchalant about it. This is not what I heard before the split.

I do not believe in a facade. However, perhaps this whole situation would have been very different if I chose to put on one instead. Stewart's incident with Jeremy and Jeremiah was a very good learning lesson. Yet I ignored, thinking they can be trusted.

I'm not sure at this point if I should feel sad, disappointed, angry, frustrated, nonchalant. Watching House M.D. has been an avenue of escape for me. To actually stop thinking, analyzing and just indulge.

There is no joy in being noble, righteous and obedient. At least not that I see how God loves me right now that things has turned to shit and people turning their faces against me. Part of me wants to declare that God does not exist and I have wasted my youth. Yet I cannot deny the miracles and goodness I had experienced. Loneliness on earth is hell and I rather not wake up to see the sun rise.

Innocence Lost

Andy Timmons and Kiko Loureiro is my new obsession of solo instrumentals. Just love how the shredding has so much emotion. Coincidentally, they are both Ibanez guitar endorsee. Somehow there's just something about Ibanez guitar that's is so mesmerizing which I don't get it.

After the last post and with some thoughts and consideration, I have pretty much arrived at new-found resolution. Meeting my brother for dinner, I am almost embarrass to say I spent most of the time complaining about the circumstance, other than the occasional small talk on his wedding and my job which is really going just fine.

Did I achieve catharsis? Not really. I did realize that ever since the merge, I have been complaining every single time I met him for dinner. Is it really just me? I feel like such a big misfit and honestly sometime, maybe, just maybe I thought that I am being a wimpy kid. Quite a possibility considering I am the only one who is revolting.

Well, what has been said and done is long gone. I really feel like I'm in such a misery, torn between visions and desires. It is really time to re-align what I thought was true and real. Leaving the group would be the best way. I'm exhausted and sick of all the small talks and surface doings.

Maybe seeing as how Haojie is leaving for Australia, this is a good chance to distance myself once and for all from him, from the group, from everything. I need to move on.

Somehow, this feels exactly as breaking up with Pinky. No appetite, no energy, some morning I just feel like a walking dead, zombified. With no answer in sight, this whole situation feels strangely familiar but haunting at the same time.

I think no doubt I will pick up and walk away from this. Then again, its a question of when and how does it changes me as a person. I felt like I have aged a couple of years the last few month. I can totally understand why my colleague says they don't feel that I'm a 20 year old kid turning 21 next month. 

Now I understand. The person who smile the widest are also the person who was hurt the most. The person who loved the most are also the person who needed to be love the most.

But perhaps my heart has grown so cold I no longer need any loving.

- Ben

Somewhere Only We Know

Today seems like a good Saturday. Sun-shining, warm weather and I love just how the new cotton navy V-neck t-shirt from Zalora feels so good on my skin and CK One doing its thing; smelling good, along with a new pair of Havaianas slipper because my red Cotton On slipper had a hole in it.

Unfortunately, reality struck quick and fast and a morbid one at that, there is no awesome LG to look forward to. Just a church service that feels oh-so-foreign to me nowadays that I wonder if the passing of time will ever help?

I really feel that I have parachuted myself onto a quick sand, maybe I have set myself on a journey of a long-dark tunnel which I could not see an end for light, To be honest, the word 'suffocation' is an understatement. Struck me suddenly why am I in so much misery when perhaps from a 3rd party point of view, this is just something minor.

I really think that all human-kind, we are somewhat a creature of habit. No matter how hobo a person is, there are things that we simply have a preference that it be done and experienced in a specific manner. With regards to that, I cannot deny that yes, I am heavily guilty of being a habitual person. But it did occurred to me that perhaps habitual preference is inevitable because we all desire security and security can only be found in something we are experience of, know of and know it full well.

While everyone seems to be perfectly fine, some perhaps even embracing the merger of NS and YA group, I don't. I'm not sure if it is more burdensome and noble to know of the merger plan way beforehand or those who simply does not knew a thing and was carried into the merger just out of sudden. Certainly, I did not felt good even from the start. Especially knowing that we are merging with the 2 person that I simply disliked right from the very start.

To be tossed into this wind of change, perhaps not just a wind but a tornado of change, no doubt there are habits and preference that I have to give up and lay down. Specifically in the order of leadership and the people that I used to see every Saturday.

Coming to this stage, I realize that the changes that I had to make were far too great, perhaps far too great for myself to face. I struggled but I have come to a conclusion - no, I really do not have the strength to face these changes.

But perhaps what really is heart-breaking is for someone to come and say "You are no longer needed to function as you were". Albeit not directly, I knew that was how it came into my face. It is heart-breaking because I have spent my last 2 years revolving my life on one thing - to serve others and build people up. To have that role scaled-down and taken away to a somewhat extent, I have to say that really destroys my spirit and passion.

With the above said and done, I carry no longer any passion nor conviction, purpose or meaning to function. The merger did bought about new growth and challenges, both which I embraced, yet it took away the homely company that I look forward to every weekend. And so much so because I have no homely company elsewhere and this is the only place I have anchored myself to be in.

Having considered the option of a group change or perhaps more drastically, a church change, I avoided that option because I still had burdens and Maurise apologized for what she had said. But coming to this stage and what I have experienced thus far, sadly I am drained. Its time to stop putting myself in such a misery and let changes happen.

I can't remember when was the last time I seek God and desire new refreshment but I knew this whole matter did engulfed my heart and soul. Some may say in offense that I have anchored my life in the wrong ground but in my defense, is it such wrong that I have sought to serve from the example  when the Lord Himself washes His disciples feet? 

Some may say serving does not conflicts with leadership but in my experience for the past 4 month, I can only say its Yes & No. No because I am constantly cockblock by what I want to do and Yes because the action itself is far too small to be conflicted.

Could be I'm just a misfit. No matter what, I have no more energy to care and discussion with Daniel? Save it for the other groups. Sometimes crying seems to be the best way, but I have cried my eyes dry.

- Ben

Used To Be Mine

Usually, I do not listen to indie music neither am I a fan of one. However, I really think Last Dinosaurs is one of the better indie band I have ever heard, other than the more known indie like The XX or Arctic Monkeys. Used To Be Mine by Last Dinosaurs really speaks and identify in my depress moment these few days. Especially the licks which really speaks of loneliness.

Perhaps being emotionally depress has really bought my energy way low down. I thank God for having an awesome colleague, Yvonne. She is a Catholic Christian and is on her way to converting to Roman Catholic, though by religion we are different with me being a Protestant, I think fundamentally we understood and read the same teaching and doxology.

Even though I have been running regularly and sleeping for more than 7 hours everyday, I am still tired as crap and that's not because my work is tough, contrary to that, I think my actual working hour is probably only 3 hours out of the 9 hours I spent sitting my ass in the office.

She has pointed out and it really make sense to me, is that I am tired because emotionally I am depressed. I think that totally make sense. Maybe I am so drained every single morning is because I am dreading to face the world and I look forward to the ceasing of my existence. How dull.

Having the rare opportunity of meeting Tim and talking to him, it has relish my experience on why I did not want to become a shepherd ever again. I remember crying my heart out back in Youth because I have failed and 3 sheep of mine backslides simultaneously. I admit I was young and inexperienced back then.

Still, maybe it is my fault or maybe it is not mine, I am heart broke to see Tim falling. Honestly, I am doubtful of my commitment and skills to ever help people. Depressing thoughts floods my mind once again that perhaps I should give up on everything that I am holding onto.

It is really tempting to leave Hope and find a new home to worship. Somehow, Hope just feels so foreign to me. How ironic that the church is call Hope yet I am struggling to find a tinge of hope here.

I used to look forward a lot to LG meeting and after-church activities because I really enjoyed spending time with the companions that embarks on this journey to eternity together. Now, everything just feels cold and lonely.

Perhaps its the structural fault, perhaps its the people, perhaps I just feel unappreciated and unloved. Whatever it is, this is not somewhere I can call home nor feel like a home right now.

- Ben

A blank point of view

At some point, it probably occurs to everyone out there, perhaps as an epiphany or just a moment of thought, that everyone around you has their own background, a sob story to tell and pains to face. Personally I do not believe that even the richest person has no pains. Perhaps the pains he/she has to go through to achieve great wealth is just one of it.

The above thoughts, not many people could hold in their heart as a world view to approach people. I don't think I approach people with "this person probably has his own sob story". But meeting Enting last night has made me reviewed my paradigm of seeing people. Maybe people acts in a certain way is determined by their own pains and personal story. More specifically, the story with big incidents that changed their growing up years.

I'm probably not gonna get a degree in psychology but seeing as how the above idea is and after ruminating on it, I guess it is not such a surprise that people put on mask(s) to protect themselves. Masks to hide their vulnerable side and insecurities. I think its true that is not such a surprise, since as primates we take cover to hide from danger, we do the same mentally.

It makes sense. Sometimes people just want to understand our weak point to gain the upper hand. Very rare would people take time to listen a fellow out and help them. I mean, who the hell has time in Singapore to help a fellow brother out right? It's all about degree, career and settling down.

But I guess the more masks a person put on, it just means the more scars and pain a person has to deal with. Or let me reiterate, the equation above applies to majority of the people around us.

And so I asked, what's the downside to masks? It simply disallowed people who are willing to invest and help you out because they could not understand you on a personal and intimate level. But again, I guess that also serve to filter out those who are genuinely interested in us, yes?

- Ben

Solomon's Epiphany

After near 3 months of work in Elsevier as a credit controller, I have finally got my confirmation letter. A confirmation that my boss is real satisfied with my performance and wants me to work for the organization.

Other than this being my first real corporate job, not that I haven't been to MNC before but this one actually entitles me to the full permanent staff benefits, it is also the highest paying job I ever had. In fact, so blessed that none of my previous jobs come close.

Thinking back and after drawing such high paycheck for the past 2 month, splurging was only normal. However, there is one thing I realize after splurging so much. The only joy that ever lasted was when I splurge on someone else, not myself. There are so many things that I want, yet nothing really makes me more happy than to buy someone a coffee, a meal, or just a simple monetary gift.

I guess when Solomon acquired all the wealth he could ever contained or wish for, perhaps he had realized that everything is meaningless and nothing matters more than things of the eternal, the blessing and adding upon of another fellow's soul.

Asking a friend out is not that hard, but to have a full-blown heart talk is rare. No one is ever present even if they are just sitting opposite you nowadays. It's always a good practice to silent your phone and turn it facing downwards, that way, when you are fully present, you are blessing someone else with your presence and time. Unfortunately, that is not something people around me practices. Perhaps I just do not have the good fortune.

So I had my mid-year review today and my boss said she is really satisfied with my performance and no complaint, even though I had a few hiccups for the past weeks. I'll take that as a compliment. One thing that I try to cling onto when I entered Elsevier was that, I must never be contend with my position, not because I want a promotion or pay raise but because it honors God.

I would say at this point, with confidence, I am not worried about not having a degree or whether if I would get the next promotion or how much is my 2015 pay raise. My only security lies in whether if I have honored God everyday and that's all I need to accomplish. Though I have to say it is not easy to always keep that in mind.

With the above goal, I really think that this is the correct mindset and paradigm to hold, no matter what job and career you are in, you will succeed. And one last thing, you are secured, never worrying about not having enough. 

- Ben

No Ragrets

The title is funny because those who watched "We're the Millers", there's this guy with the tattoo that reads "No Ragrets" across his chest. Then again, the same guy looks like Axl Rose from Guns N' Roses in his younger days of Rock N' Roll.

I feel like there are a lot of things that I have been holding onto. To be honest, I thought after seeing my Pink IC again, I could finally close the chapter of NS on my life. It just does not felt that way. I guess NS was a bittersweet experience for me. I hated my CSM but then I came to appreciate him for all that he has done and never a time did he speak of why he did what he had to do.

Sometimes, I feel like I wasted my last 2 years because all I did was complain and look at my own suffering and then looking back now, I ask the question on 'What did I learnt ' ? I guess every mother son was there in the same camp with me yet each and single one of us received differently, though we had the same training, same superior and same treatment.

I remember being slightly excited for enlistment, with the conviction that I will go where God has in mind for me and upon seeing the word "2SIR" instead of Tekong, I was convinced that this is specific.

Then again, after 6 months has passed, I rue the day that I decided not to feign illness during my medical check-up. Actually, the entire time in 2SIR was hell, probably to be specific, 2SIR Alpha Company, led by CSM Kok & Cpt Gan.

The infamous Cpt Gan of Tekong 'R' Coy, coupled with my CSM who was an ADF regular who got CSM of the year (if I'm not wrong), the treatment was really different from other company. I remember having a 30 minute water parade the very first night because some mother's son just can't hold a 90-degree posture.

Subsequently, all I know was tons of punishment and training, turn-out and changing parade on 3rd night and then FBO turn-out run on the 5th night. Not sure if this is regular Infantry or perhaps Alpha company was just trained like ADF soldier instead.

Then again, thinking back, my only true regret was to only complain and not embrace the whole time I was at 2SIR. I guess my take back was having the best Armskote in the entire battalion and the fact that I have now enough discipline to be consistently 10 minute early in office everyday. I look at Kenneth, a fellow church mate who enlists into 16th Mono, he seems so happy and gaining so much even in the midst of much tough training.

I think possibly, my CSM was one-of-a-kind. He did not cared about position or KPI, he had his own standard of what is good and to raised disciplined soldiers that's all. What a focused & genuine man.

Ruminating on all this, I posed myself this question and perhaps If I may, to those who chance upon this blog, are we able to truly live a life of zero complain and embrace what comes ? Perhaps that's the true definition of living life to the fullest with no regrets.

Applying Economics

I realized sometimes, the game of relationship is like economics. Perhaps stock exchange as well, seeing as how affection can be at all time low and high as well. Then again, the word 'Game' is not exactly the right word, relationship should never be taken for a game. Screw it up and people get hurt, non-erasable unlike a saved data.

What has always being refreshing is really to spend a few hours, sitting down at a foreign place with no one but a laptop and reflect upon the week. Thinking back on the past few days as well as week, I fiddle with the thoughts of spending money to buy joy.

I already knew that Joy comes from acknowledging life is never easy and to be happy with what you have, rejoice in struggles because it builds you up and finally, helping other people. I maintain my stance that there should be nothing more important to a person than the people around him/her. Its a stark understanding that at one's deathbed, nothing should matters more than the people who are going there for the last minute of life.

It is not about being narcissistic, to know who will be there when one dies, though some people does want to know, not for the sake of treasuring they loves. I think at the end, no matter how much one achieve or how much that person can earn in their entire life time, all that is going to become oblivious. No one will remember for eternal.

One day, Einstein and Marilyn will be forgotten for there comes exceedingly better scientist and artist. There is nothing wrong with helping the world and impacting it in a huge way. Perhaps you can earn a nobel prize, which essentially is to tell you "Good job for Un-Fucking the World". However, I think the only people who will remember you is the people who you have impacted in their life.

To spend time building people's life up is totally worth it. Whether for religious reason or not. That person, whom you have build up, will become a walking testimony of your deeds. Believe it or not, that deeds will probably get passed down. Maybe this simple idea is the key to world peace. Though I suspect world peace will never happen.

So, coming back to my thoughts on spending money to buy Joy, I acknowledge personally that Joy does not comes from material possession. And neither should my Joy comes from answering other's material possession. Thus I guess I have already arrived at my own answer, that the ultimate Joy lies in building others and enriching them.

There is no insecurity in doing this. One who builds other builds themselves up.I think with this idea in mind, I am assured to give equal treatment to everyone who comes my way, in my own eyes of view I disclaim.

Maybe perhaps God has willed for me to be single and enjoy the fruits of a single life ? Sure I do yearn for a partner when I have a bad day and I just need someone to cuddle and achieve catharsis. However I guess learning to achieve this by being secure in God's providence, that is never seen or expected and can only be expect by faith, is much more fulfilling.

Thus I guess, this period of single-hood and waiting, is really a training ground for God to prepare us as the perfect Adam for Eve. And likewise for all the Eves' out there.