It is terrifying how time passes with the last blog post being 30th September. I guess it simply just signifies how busy I have been and I have not been reflecting nor writing for the past 20 days.
With the past 3 weeks that has flew by unknowingly, with a clearer mind and stable emotion, I am confident to say that it is a right choice to move out of Ignite 7th. Although it did made the church questioned my spiritual stability and being taken out of the music ministry, I think I have exchanged back my sanity and joy.
I'm glad that I am able to view things with an objective mindset and with the very least prejudice I could afford. At least through this very stage, I know who stands by as my friend and those who I could lean on for a little support. Nonetheless, burdening others has never been my strong point and never will be in the near future I supposed.
I want to reflect on this very specific person and his philosophy today. Newman. John Henry Newman. There is not a chance that I could have met this man because he passed away at 1890 in Birmingham, United Kingdom. Newman was a Cardinal Deacon in one of the Roman Catholic church in England, in the last moment of his life.
It is by randomness that I discovered this man. While considering the University I should go to, University College Dublin was one of the choice. And upon researching on the history of UCD, Newman was the man who founded this University in the 1800s and on the first day, he prophesied that this University will grow to be a prestigious one. Indeed it is, the biggest University in Ireland and top 2% in the world.
However, it is not this prophecy that caught my attention. It is his definition and sermon on love. I have never seen anyone who described love better than Newman himself when he decided to write this sermons around 180+ years ago.
"...Now I shall here maintain, in opposition to such notions of Christian love, and with our Savior's pattern before me, that the best preparation for loving the world at large, and loving it duly and wisely, is to cultivate an intimate friendship and affection towards those who are immediately about us." - John H. Newman , Volume 2 Sermon 5, Love of Relations and Friends. Circa. 1835.
He is also a man who had very close relations with a few people and in the last few moment of his life, he willed to be bury in the same graves of his dear friend.
Personally, I think as human, we all desire intimacy and close relationship. And undoubtedly, we cannot have intimacy with a crowd but only small group of people. It is also my judgmental nature that I deem anyone as shallow if they do not desire one. It just means they want attention, and at that with a big group of people, not intimacy. These are not people you can lean a shoulder on at times of needs and pain.
Coming back to the current circumstance, I am beginning to enjoy Ignite 12th. I have always enjoyed that I don't have to put on a face of spirituality if I don't feel spiritual and I don't have to oblige myself to obey instructions that I don't believe in. In the end, I supposed it's a good call and that's all I need to know.
Hopefully at the end of all this, it is God who is trying to lead me to somewhere and this is an experience that is part of the learning package and not because I decided to take things into my own hand. Still, I acknowledge that I need to step away from Haojie and I need to let go of whatever I had held onto my heart and gain new understandings.
- Ben
