I realized sometimes, the game of relationship is like economics. Perhaps stock exchange as well, seeing as how affection can be at all time low and high as well. Then again, the word 'Game' is not exactly the right word, relationship should never be taken for a game. Screw it up and people get hurt, non-erasable unlike a saved data.
What has always being refreshing is really to spend a few hours, sitting down at a foreign place with no one but a laptop and reflect upon the week. Thinking back on the past few days as well as week, I fiddle with the thoughts of spending money to buy joy.
I already knew that Joy comes from acknowledging life is never easy and to be happy with what you have, rejoice in struggles because it builds you up and finally, helping other people. I maintain my stance that there should be nothing more important to a person than the people around him/her. Its a stark understanding that at one's deathbed, nothing should matters more than the people who are going there for the last minute of life.
It is not about being narcissistic, to know who will be there when one dies, though some people does want to know, not for the sake of treasuring they loves. I think at the end, no matter how much one achieve or how much that person can earn in their entire life time, all that is going to become oblivious. No one will remember for eternal.
One day, Einstein and Marilyn will be forgotten for there comes exceedingly better scientist and artist. There is nothing wrong with helping the world and impacting it in a huge way. Perhaps you can earn a nobel prize, which essentially is to tell you "Good job for Un-Fucking the World". However, I think the only people who will remember you is the people who you have impacted in their life.
To spend time building people's life up is totally worth it. Whether for religious reason or not. That person, whom you have build up, will become a walking testimony of your deeds. Believe it or not, that deeds will probably get passed down. Maybe this simple idea is the key to world peace. Though I suspect world peace will never happen.
So, coming back to my thoughts on spending money to buy Joy, I acknowledge personally that Joy does not comes from material possession. And neither should my Joy comes from answering other's material possession. Thus I guess I have already arrived at my own answer, that the ultimate Joy lies in building others and enriching them.
There is no insecurity in doing this. One who builds other builds themselves up.I think with this idea in mind, I am assured to give equal treatment to everyone who comes my way, in my own eyes of view I disclaim.
Maybe perhaps God has willed for me to be single and enjoy the fruits of a single life ? Sure I do yearn for a partner when I have a bad day and I just need someone to cuddle and achieve catharsis. However I guess learning to achieve this by being secure in God's providence, that is never seen or expected and can only be expect by faith, is much more fulfilling.
Thus I guess, this period of single-hood and waiting, is really a training ground for God to prepare us as the perfect Adam for Eve. And likewise for all the Eves' out there.
Saturday, July 26, 2014
Wednesday, July 23, 2014
Meaningless
Truth be told, if I have a choice, I would have despised all those who are below me. People who have limitless excuses to themselves, people who thinks they own it all when they truly don't and tons and tons of people who think that they're good except that they are only good because the average 5 person around them are morons.
But my religion dictate otherwise. And my mind dictate otherwise of my evil heart intends.
It bitters me every single time when people complains about their life when they have so much goodness, only to not realize. True loneliness does not lies in not owning a Prada, Patek Phillipe or Cartier like others do. True loneliness is when the people around you, amplified, close people around you, who does not understand you when they should. Such is the fact of returning home that feels foreign.
Nothing is familiar to me at home.Nothing is crappier than to have strangers that identify more than a family member or close friends should. I constantly asked, who is going to answer my needs when I am constantly trying to answer people's needs, fair and just, to the best of my ability. Again, my religion dictate otherwise.
Perhaps when Simon of Cyrene was pressed upon by the Romans to carry Jesus' cross when he passed by while Jesus was on the way to Golgotha, that was a true illustration that God was trying to show. That it is never easy to carry a cross. The fact that Simon traveled 900 miles from Cyrene, the modern day Libya, to celebrate the Passover Feast at Jerusalem, only to have his hands dirtied and tired from the journey. And that is even before he got to enter Jerusalem.
Maybe when people commit adultery and extra-marital affairs, it is not so surprising. Perhaps the reason is only as simple as the existing relationship that has gone cold unknowingly and both parties just simply does not understand each other anymore. However, that should never be an excuse in any ways.
- Ben
But my religion dictate otherwise. And my mind dictate otherwise of my evil heart intends.
It bitters me every single time when people complains about their life when they have so much goodness, only to not realize. True loneliness does not lies in not owning a Prada, Patek Phillipe or Cartier like others do. True loneliness is when the people around you, amplified, close people around you, who does not understand you when they should. Such is the fact of returning home that feels foreign.
Nothing is familiar to me at home.Nothing is crappier than to have strangers that identify more than a family member or close friends should. I constantly asked, who is going to answer my needs when I am constantly trying to answer people's needs, fair and just, to the best of my ability. Again, my religion dictate otherwise.
Perhaps when Simon of Cyrene was pressed upon by the Romans to carry Jesus' cross when he passed by while Jesus was on the way to Golgotha, that was a true illustration that God was trying to show. That it is never easy to carry a cross. The fact that Simon traveled 900 miles from Cyrene, the modern day Libya, to celebrate the Passover Feast at Jerusalem, only to have his hands dirtied and tired from the journey. And that is even before he got to enter Jerusalem.
Maybe when people commit adultery and extra-marital affairs, it is not so surprising. Perhaps the reason is only as simple as the existing relationship that has gone cold unknowingly and both parties just simply does not understand each other anymore. However, that should never be an excuse in any ways.
- Ben
Thursday, July 10, 2014
The Hell Song
I find it funny that some people are actually envious of my life, or maybe, jealous. It is unbelievable in my point of view.
There are people who says that I am very lucky to be almost independent even before I turn 21. To those who live in Singapore and actually understands, yes, I am way ahead of all my peers. In terms of qualification and career wise.
The question is, what price did I pay to have all this ?
Coming back to those who are envious, having all this does not mean I had nothing to pay for. I did not experience the life of tertiary or ever enjoy my childhood. Even before I was 12, I already knew that life is going to be very difficult and my family will never provide for me. In my opinion, no children should ever have to go through their childhood worrying about stuff like this. I had to.
If my childhood was just about worrying, sure, then it is just paranoia. No. The worries are real. Having to live through occasional blackouts at home and debtors' visits.
Probably the biggest ruin of my childhood was that I don't have a complete family. Sure, we can all go through hell and financial ruins as a family. However, the word 'family' just simply doesn't exist in my world. I know my father does not provide nor does he provide since I'm young. Even till now, he is still asking for money occasionally even when he is working.
Back in 1995, my father is a millionaire. Until the Asia financial crisis in 1997. What bothers me is, even with all that money, my father did not bother to invest in a better property or provided the family well. Never bought my mother gift or bring her to fancy restaurant. Or any of that for any of us for that matter.
After becoming bankrupt and the family discovering the extra-marital affair, my mother still decide to stick by him. Only because I was still a kid. Sometimes, I rue the day I was born to be honest. In just a few year on 2005, my father screw up a business again, only to cause my mother to become bankrupt as well.
The biggest bummer is having to live with the knowledge that your father owns a condo somewhere, living it off from the profit of selling a house with another women whose womb you do not come from. All that luxury, that you do not benefit from yet to suffer the torture.
All that money, not a single cent that flows into the family.
Everyday after I leave office, I know that I don't return home. I simply return to a house, a shelter. There is no home for me. The fact that I live through my whole childhood not being able to enjoy what others enjoyed because their parent provided for them, sheltered them, so that they can be worried-free, it SUCKS big time.
It pains me whenever I attend someone's graduation parade, whether POP/SCS/OCS/ORD, whatever. It pains because those people who graduate, almost always, their parent will be there to be happy and proud for their son. I don't get to experience that, or ever again I will. The scene of enlisting alone, passing out with no parent to look forward to, that will always be fresh in my mind. But still, of course that doesn't mean I should be bitter about people graduating.
I know that I could have went to NA stream, do well enough to get into Poly and live the kind of life I want to experience. But I couldn't be so selfish. Even before I finish my N level, I was already partially working. Some people work for extra money, but its not like they are poor or their family is poor. However, that is me. Such is my situation.
Who the hell start working at 16 to pay off their diploma ? I'm probably not the only one but in the final analysis, no one should have to go through that. Or at least forced to go through that.
All this are not without criticism. I guess along the way, people do want to take you down even when you are already very much under. Some people commented that I shouldn't have took a private diploma or even further study. My question is, who's gonna provide for me if I don't crawl upwards ?
To be honest, some people think that I'm rather arrogant. If I were to put this bluntly forward without any grace, its because I have earned my right to be arrogant. I have justified my right to be arrogant.
I guess at the end of the day, God's grace is still very much at play. I have been blessed with a very loving brother and a very loving church. There are some truth to private diploma being second-rate. However, I guess God really provides. My very first corporate job out of army, I'm already paid above the national average.
With all this at hand, am I one to be truly envious of ? I hope not. I did not came so far without paying the right price or worked hard in toiling.
- Ben
There are people who says that I am very lucky to be almost independent even before I turn 21. To those who live in Singapore and actually understands, yes, I am way ahead of all my peers. In terms of qualification and career wise.
The question is, what price did I pay to have all this ?
Coming back to those who are envious, having all this does not mean I had nothing to pay for. I did not experience the life of tertiary or ever enjoy my childhood. Even before I was 12, I already knew that life is going to be very difficult and my family will never provide for me. In my opinion, no children should ever have to go through their childhood worrying about stuff like this. I had to.
If my childhood was just about worrying, sure, then it is just paranoia. No. The worries are real. Having to live through occasional blackouts at home and debtors' visits.
Probably the biggest ruin of my childhood was that I don't have a complete family. Sure, we can all go through hell and financial ruins as a family. However, the word 'family' just simply doesn't exist in my world. I know my father does not provide nor does he provide since I'm young. Even till now, he is still asking for money occasionally even when he is working.
Back in 1995, my father is a millionaire. Until the Asia financial crisis in 1997. What bothers me is, even with all that money, my father did not bother to invest in a better property or provided the family well. Never bought my mother gift or bring her to fancy restaurant. Or any of that for any of us for that matter.
After becoming bankrupt and the family discovering the extra-marital affair, my mother still decide to stick by him. Only because I was still a kid. Sometimes, I rue the day I was born to be honest. In just a few year on 2005, my father screw up a business again, only to cause my mother to become bankrupt as well.
The biggest bummer is having to live with the knowledge that your father owns a condo somewhere, living it off from the profit of selling a house with another women whose womb you do not come from. All that luxury, that you do not benefit from yet to suffer the torture.
All that money, not a single cent that flows into the family.
Everyday after I leave office, I know that I don't return home. I simply return to a house, a shelter. There is no home for me. The fact that I live through my whole childhood not being able to enjoy what others enjoyed because their parent provided for them, sheltered them, so that they can be worried-free, it SUCKS big time.
It pains me whenever I attend someone's graduation parade, whether POP/SCS/OCS/ORD, whatever. It pains because those people who graduate, almost always, their parent will be there to be happy and proud for their son. I don't get to experience that, or ever again I will. The scene of enlisting alone, passing out with no parent to look forward to, that will always be fresh in my mind. But still, of course that doesn't mean I should be bitter about people graduating.
I know that I could have went to NA stream, do well enough to get into Poly and live the kind of life I want to experience. But I couldn't be so selfish. Even before I finish my N level, I was already partially working. Some people work for extra money, but its not like they are poor or their family is poor. However, that is me. Such is my situation.
Who the hell start working at 16 to pay off their diploma ? I'm probably not the only one but in the final analysis, no one should have to go through that. Or at least forced to go through that.
All this are not without criticism. I guess along the way, people do want to take you down even when you are already very much under. Some people commented that I shouldn't have took a private diploma or even further study. My question is, who's gonna provide for me if I don't crawl upwards ?
To be honest, some people think that I'm rather arrogant. If I were to put this bluntly forward without any grace, its because I have earned my right to be arrogant. I have justified my right to be arrogant.
I guess at the end of the day, God's grace is still very much at play. I have been blessed with a very loving brother and a very loving church. There are some truth to private diploma being second-rate. However, I guess God really provides. My very first corporate job out of army, I'm already paid above the national average.
With all this at hand, am I one to be truly envious of ? I hope not. I did not came so far without paying the right price or worked hard in toiling.
- Ben
Tuesday, July 08, 2014
If I Don't Stay
Ran my flu away, almost literally. The ironic thing is, I didn't always like running. In fact, I don't even consider myself an avid runner. How 2 years actually changes a person huh.
On a deep reflection, in fact every single time I go for a run, I'll always auto reflect and discover a mini epiphany at the end of it. Its almost like that's how God want's to speak to me.
Running is not something that I enjoy or I just want to do it. At least not before army. The only time I had to run was because I am rushing or I need to take my NAPFA. However surprisingly, I never once had a problem with NAPFA in Secondary School. Perhaps because my sport was BMX and since that's an extreme sport, I wasn't exactly out of shape.
Recalling Amoy Quee is a funny incident. I was walking one day from YCK to AMK with Jacob Chang, a long-time church friend of mine. Out of the blue, he mentioned that there is a very old camp, in the middle between the former 2 train station and it is a very tough unit. Right, I could tell it was tough from the name of the camp. The skeptics inside me took the better and thought that I will not be that unlucky to enlist there.
I mean, predictably, I don't even know Mono Enlistment existed back then. True enough, MINDEF just had to send me a letter, right on my 18th, telling me to report to Amoy Quee in 1.5 month time. Ever since that fateful day of 8th December 2011, my life was never the same. Enlisting with my 2.4km timing at 15 min, leaving it at 10 min flat.
It was only during PTP that I discovered the joy of running. Not just because it slims me down, though I did needed the slimming but the epiphany and revelation I always get at the end of it. Even after 2 years have passed, it still does. On a side note, if I may just add, Infantry does sucks. I still maintain it is just Guards without pride. Though I have to agree that every battle and war is won with the Infantry.
Can't help looking forward to the weekend because I get to meet him. However it seems that thinking from another perspective of gaining a new level of independence by trying to break free from this emotional struggle seems promising.
- Ben
On a deep reflection, in fact every single time I go for a run, I'll always auto reflect and discover a mini epiphany at the end of it. Its almost like that's how God want's to speak to me.
Running is not something that I enjoy or I just want to do it. At least not before army. The only time I had to run was because I am rushing or I need to take my NAPFA. However surprisingly, I never once had a problem with NAPFA in Secondary School. Perhaps because my sport was BMX and since that's an extreme sport, I wasn't exactly out of shape.
Recalling Amoy Quee is a funny incident. I was walking one day from YCK to AMK with Jacob Chang, a long-time church friend of mine. Out of the blue, he mentioned that there is a very old camp, in the middle between the former 2 train station and it is a very tough unit. Right, I could tell it was tough from the name of the camp. The skeptics inside me took the better and thought that I will not be that unlucky to enlist there.
I mean, predictably, I don't even know Mono Enlistment existed back then. True enough, MINDEF just had to send me a letter, right on my 18th, telling me to report to Amoy Quee in 1.5 month time. Ever since that fateful day of 8th December 2011, my life was never the same. Enlisting with my 2.4km timing at 15 min, leaving it at 10 min flat.
It was only during PTP that I discovered the joy of running. Not just because it slims me down, though I did needed the slimming but the epiphany and revelation I always get at the end of it. Even after 2 years have passed, it still does. On a side note, if I may just add, Infantry does sucks. I still maintain it is just Guards without pride. Though I have to agree that every battle and war is won with the Infantry.
Can't help looking forward to the weekend because I get to meet him. However it seems that thinking from another perspective of gaining a new level of independence by trying to break free from this emotional struggle seems promising.
- Ben
Friday, July 04, 2014
Crush Crush Crush
Time has been scarce for me recently, especially this week. Finally have some time to sit down and have some personally time to reflect. Funny thing is, I'm sitting Orlando's Jamming Studio now because I knock off so early and the jam only starts at 8pm.
Orlando, what a memory lane. My very first band started here. Remembering the many time I used to rush here for band practice just so that we can work our way towards performing standard but only to fall because one by one, each member keeps leaving. Good times. I guess it is also a place I spent myself committed to in my younger days after breaking up with Pinky.
Work has recently been rather tough than usual. It is to be expected I guess since this is the world of Finance sector, where closing and opening makes everyone go mad, especially now that it is mid year closing for everyone, not just me.
Having not see him for more than a week, it seems that distance does help me to get some fresh space in my brain. To think about what is right, what matters most, what is priority and what is righteous. Reading many articles and seeing how a lot of homosexuals like myself struggles, I guess there is only one common insight to take back - everyone who struggles through aren't selfish people that put their own needs first. Perhaps, that can be a rather noble sentence I figured. However, if all Jesus thought about is how He is going to be crucified and how everyone is gonna turn their back on Him at the very last moment - and that includes Peter, the one who He calls The Rock, perhaps Jesus wouldn't have went to the cross.
In hindsight, true giving and blessing is never about expecting returns, only to see the gain of others and be happy about it. I need to be happy about being able to put him above my own emotional needs. Perhaps this is a unique struggle that God has given me to go through ? In anyway, I know I have the Words to look to, that is "he who sharpens others sharpens himself".
Jam's about to start. Time to rock that Marshall amp.
- Ben
Crush crush crush because that's the very first song I played in Orlando.
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