Sevens

Looks like this is the second post, right after the last weekend of reflecting what has happened thus far. Would there be development ? Definitely.

It certainly has been a tiring week. Both physically and mentally. Work has been becoming increasingly complicated and tough, though I guess that's good thing since it does keeps my mind off what I am not supposed to think about. Or at least what I am not supposed to think about at work.

Then again, I knew subconsciously I still look forward to the weekend, not because church or anything. Of course, I do value church, seeing the people and my rest since work has been exorbitantly draining on the mental side. Then again, I really do want to see him.

I guess it has not been so much intense after the last post and speaking of this issue to some people whom I think that is trust-able. I find that keep myself away from texting him seems to be a working solution. Actually, this is rather ironic as well. Some may see this as an issue, some see this as a normal thing and some thinks that this may be a bliss. Can't help thinking that its wrong and I should stay away.

Coming to subway and reflect seems to become a place of comfort for me. Especially the sofa seat. Still, its a torture, as how my counselor calls it, a push-pull or tug-o-war in the mind. Its torturing how I want to see him every single second yet when I do, I just feel like I losing myself and I should step away. Does stepping away really solve the solution ? I know even my counselor can''t help me on this sexuality issue.

Been wanting to watch Purple Light, a short film that speaks about homosexuality in a more or less tempting and demanding circumstances. It is really meaningful, for those who have not watched it. It speaks about the main actor who fell in love with his buddy, however to put his buddy's need and situation above his own's want for him. Because his buddy has a girlfriend. I guess perhaps in conclusion, its really about putting others before yourself and what you feel, again, that's one aspect of love. That is to put other's above your own needs.

Signing off. I should really reflect more often.

- Ben

Waves

Seeing as how the last post of this blog was close to 4 years ago, returning to write another post simply meant that I'm yet in another emotional turmoil. Understanding that the very fact why the blog was even revived back in 2010 was because I had the biggest break up of my life. Yet at this very point, I'm about to have another emotional break up, albeit one-sided.

I think looking back, a lot of circumstance has changed. I am 21 now, served my NS stint, holding a corporate job and owning my own business, earning my own pennies yet there lies one thing that does not change. The very fact that in order to love someone, is to become emotionally vulnerable.

To the people who knew me, I am someone who is really soft. Perhaps to say, it has become a part of me to be domineering, controlling, to be able to know in my heart that I always have the upper hand and I know I will be able to make escape and yet be the very first to hurt others. Yet my intention was never to hurt for I knew how much it does to a person.

Of course, again why I am posting this and probably just once off, is because I have encountered or am going to encounter yet another emotional dilemma/turmoil/break-up, however you think of it.

I knew I have always being able and am attracted to male, as well as female. I guess by the socials definition, that puts me as an Bi-sexual. However, coming to be 21 year of age in another 4 month, I have realize attraction has different dimension. To be attracted physically, emotionally and spiritually. I have never taken my bisexuality seriously for I always knew I am just physically attracted, yet when my heart crave for a relationship, I knew that I need a female. How do I verify ? My last break-up was a female.

However, the situation now seems to be much more different. It is not because I have engaged myself in another relationship. Yet however, for the first time, I knew I was attracted to a guy in all 3 spectrum. It takes no more than a simple person to understand that when you are attracted to a person beyond the physical, you know you're in for a development. I know I'm in deep-shit.

Understandably, the global society has come to a more accepting situation about people in the LGBT spectrum, that perhaps include me even though I am not a willing participant. Why ? I did not chose to be bisexual. Rather, I knew that since young, I was attracted to male. In fact, I was attracted to male first before I was attracted to female. So perhaps I have turned from gay to a bi ?

Still, I am a firm Christ believer. The Word has always stated very clearly that God's creation were meant to be Adam & Eve. Which also meant that any thing other than what was created is perverted. But I also knew very clearly God was not condemning people who are gay/lesbian/bi but He is saying that the very action/thought is wrong. I know I am redeemed because He accepts me for who I am but not what I do. To live a righteous life is not to be sinless yet in obedience to His words.

However, there and back again, I fell in love with a male. Not just anyone else but a person from my cell group to which I'm leading.

I knew it was not a simple as just ignoring it. It tears me apart knowing that he is someone I want to groom yet I have inevitably fell for and I, myself, have fallen so badly. Each time when I see my whatsapp. I know that I yearn to text him. Yet, I have always over think. If this is not falling in love, I do not know what sorcery this is.

I do not know how to face him, knowing I have my own agenda and God's words and calling for me to groom and teach people. Without communication, how can one teach ? It is not as simple as just ignoring and not talking. However of late, something grows in my heart that perhaps I should pass the baton to someone else, for someone else who is perhaps more normal, to groom him. But that also means transferring him away.

I guess I have been so used to seeing him and his presence, the thought of that does tears me slightly apart inside every time. So this is it, my emotional turmoil. I am no where attractive, no where getting to the female of my dreams but deeply in love with a guy who I should not be in.

Much has really changed. Hope Church moving from Nexus Auditorium to Axis Auditorium. At this very point of writing this post in a Subway outlet at Keypoint that sits in the vicinity of church, listening to Waves by Guthrie Govan, with my iPhone at 10% because there is no Wifi here, I remember 4 years ago having to reflect all this at home with a stick of cigarette because I do not have a laptop, a smartphone or money to even visit the coffeeshop nearby, I am yet in another emotional dilemma.

My take on Waves by Guthrie Govan ? Its a really sad song. So sad that it does not have lyrics because its beyond sad.

- Ben