Newman, Love, Talbott

It is terrifying how time passes with the last blog post being 30th September. I guess it simply just signifies how busy I have been and I have not been reflecting nor writing for the past 20 days.

With the past 3 weeks that has flew by unknowingly, with a clearer mind and stable emotion, I am confident to say that it is a right choice to move out of Ignite 7th. Although it did made the church questioned my spiritual stability and being taken out of the music ministry, I think I have exchanged back my sanity and joy.

I'm glad that I am able to view things with an objective mindset and with the very least prejudice I could afford. At least through this very stage, I know who stands by as my friend and those who I could lean on for a little support. Nonetheless, burdening others has never been my strong point and never will be in the near future I supposed.

I want to reflect on this very specific person and his philosophy today. Newman. John Henry Newman. There is not a chance that I could have met this man because he passed away at 1890 in Birmingham, United Kingdom. Newman was a Cardinal Deacon in one of the Roman Catholic church in England, in the last moment of his life.

It is by randomness that I discovered this man. While considering the University I should go to, University College Dublin was one of the choice. And upon researching on the history of UCD, Newman was the man who founded this University in the 1800s and on the first day, he prophesied that this University will grow to be a prestigious one. Indeed it is, the biggest University in Ireland and top 2% in the world.

However, it is not this prophecy that caught my attention. It is his definition and sermon on love. I have never seen anyone who described love better than Newman himself when he decided to write this sermons around 180+ years ago.

"...Now I shall here maintain, in opposition to such notions of Christian love, and with our Savior's pattern before me, that the best preparation for loving the world at large, and loving it duly and wisely, is to cultivate an intimate friendship and affection towards those who are immediately about us." - John H. Newman , Volume 2 Sermon 5, Love of Relations and Friends. Circa. 1835.

He is also a man who had very close relations with a few people and in the last few moment of his life, he willed to be bury in the same graves of his dear friend.

Personally, I think as human, we all desire intimacy and close relationship. And undoubtedly, we cannot have intimacy with a crowd but only small group of people. It is also my judgmental nature that I deem anyone as shallow if they do not desire one. It just means they want attention, and at that with a big group of people, not intimacy. These are not people you can lean a shoulder on at times of needs and pain.

Coming back to the current circumstance, I am beginning to enjoy Ignite 12th. I have always enjoyed that I don't have to put on a face of spirituality if I don't feel spiritual and I don't have to oblige myself to obey instructions that I don't believe in. In the end, I supposed it's a good call and that's all I need to know.

Hopefully at the end of all this, it is God who is trying to lead me to somewhere and this is an experience that is part of the learning package and not because I decided to take things into my own hand. Still, I acknowledge that I need to step away from Haojie and I need to let go of whatever I had held onto my heart and gain new understandings.

- Ben

Thoughts and Memoirs

Spent the whole last week burying my head into the basic theories and defensive theories for Class 2B. I can only say that it is totally draining and a waste of time. Well, except to refresh my knowledge on the do's and don't on the road. And then, lots of time on debating back and forth on the thoughts in my head.

These 2 and 1/2 week has certainly been a period of much thinking. Certainly emotional as well. I am surprisingly well-aware of my feelings and the emotions I am going through. I guess the best way to explains is that I'm going through the 5 stages of grief.

It is funny because the 5 stages of grief can only occur when you are grieving for something. A loss, death of a loved ones, sudden emotional trauma, .etc. And maybe this applies because the church and the Lifegroup specifically has been a big part of my life.

After this short period of time, reality has hit hard that I really don't have a life outside of church. It is really depressing that this thing that I have spent a large part of my life revolving around, failed me in the end. Ultimately it is true that God did not fail me but I felt compel to blame God for this.

It is disappointing as well that ever since I made the decision to leave, most people are just speculating on why I made the decision to leave and judging me while what I truly do need is just someone to hear my thoughts and concerns. I think coming to this point of time, I am reassured that only Blogger is willing to listen. Listen, not just hear.

Disappointment after one another, it is sad that they have decided to put me out of the musio. Whether temporary or not, it is hurting to find out that the decision was made without even discussing with me or finding out what happened. Instead, all this went on behind my back. Maybe people are just afraid of people lying to one another.

Perhaps majority of those people who left church, maybe what they need at the very point of making the decision was truly just a listening ear. When Glenn made the decision to leave, I did not sit around, do a differential on why he is leaving. I met him up and had coffee. Oh wait, maybe I'm just different. Perhaps over-radical? While Jeremy says that he saw this "difference in leadership style" coming, maybe he should ask himself if he had a plan so that things would not end up like this.

I'm not trying to victimized myself. I am the victim of this whole shit that went down. And no, I do not sit around crying wolf but there's just no choice. Nothing can be done. Utterly disappointed that Jeremy said he will not interfere in this matter. Utterly disappointed that Ignite 12th is falling apart and Jeremy seems nonchalant about it. This is not what I heard before the split.

I do not believe in a facade. However, perhaps this whole situation would have been very different if I chose to put on one instead. Stewart's incident with Jeremy and Jeremiah was a very good learning lesson. Yet I ignored, thinking they can be trusted.

I'm not sure at this point if I should feel sad, disappointed, angry, frustrated, nonchalant. Watching House M.D. has been an avenue of escape for me. To actually stop thinking, analyzing and just indulge.

There is no joy in being noble, righteous and obedient. At least not that I see how God loves me right now that things has turned to shit and people turning their faces against me. Part of me wants to declare that God does not exist and I have wasted my youth. Yet I cannot deny the miracles and goodness I had experienced. Loneliness on earth is hell and I rather not wake up to see the sun rise.

Innocence Lost

Andy Timmons and Kiko Loureiro is my new obsession of solo instrumentals. Just love how the shredding has so much emotion. Coincidentally, they are both Ibanez guitar endorsee. Somehow there's just something about Ibanez guitar that's is so mesmerizing which I don't get it.

After the last post and with some thoughts and consideration, I have pretty much arrived at new-found resolution. Meeting my brother for dinner, I am almost embarrass to say I spent most of the time complaining about the circumstance, other than the occasional small talk on his wedding and my job which is really going just fine.

Did I achieve catharsis? Not really. I did realize that ever since the merge, I have been complaining every single time I met him for dinner. Is it really just me? I feel like such a big misfit and honestly sometime, maybe, just maybe I thought that I am being a wimpy kid. Quite a possibility considering I am the only one who is revolting.

Well, what has been said and done is long gone. I really feel like I'm in such a misery, torn between visions and desires. It is really time to re-align what I thought was true and real. Leaving the group would be the best way. I'm exhausted and sick of all the small talks and surface doings.

Maybe seeing as how Haojie is leaving for Australia, this is a good chance to distance myself once and for all from him, from the group, from everything. I need to move on.

Somehow, this feels exactly as breaking up with Pinky. No appetite, no energy, some morning I just feel like a walking dead, zombified. With no answer in sight, this whole situation feels strangely familiar but haunting at the same time.

I think no doubt I will pick up and walk away from this. Then again, its a question of when and how does it changes me as a person. I felt like I have aged a couple of years the last few month. I can totally understand why my colleague says they don't feel that I'm a 20 year old kid turning 21 next month. 

Now I understand. The person who smile the widest are also the person who was hurt the most. The person who loved the most are also the person who needed to be love the most.

But perhaps my heart has grown so cold I no longer need any loving.

- Ben

Somewhere Only We Know

Today seems like a good Saturday. Sun-shining, warm weather and I love just how the new cotton navy V-neck t-shirt from Zalora feels so good on my skin and CK One doing its thing; smelling good, along with a new pair of Havaianas slipper because my red Cotton On slipper had a hole in it.

Unfortunately, reality struck quick and fast and a morbid one at that, there is no awesome LG to look forward to. Just a church service that feels oh-so-foreign to me nowadays that I wonder if the passing of time will ever help?

I really feel that I have parachuted myself onto a quick sand, maybe I have set myself on a journey of a long-dark tunnel which I could not see an end for light, To be honest, the word 'suffocation' is an understatement. Struck me suddenly why am I in so much misery when perhaps from a 3rd party point of view, this is just something minor.

I really think that all human-kind, we are somewhat a creature of habit. No matter how hobo a person is, there are things that we simply have a preference that it be done and experienced in a specific manner. With regards to that, I cannot deny that yes, I am heavily guilty of being a habitual person. But it did occurred to me that perhaps habitual preference is inevitable because we all desire security and security can only be found in something we are experience of, know of and know it full well.

While everyone seems to be perfectly fine, some perhaps even embracing the merger of NS and YA group, I don't. I'm not sure if it is more burdensome and noble to know of the merger plan way beforehand or those who simply does not knew a thing and was carried into the merger just out of sudden. Certainly, I did not felt good even from the start. Especially knowing that we are merging with the 2 person that I simply disliked right from the very start.

To be tossed into this wind of change, perhaps not just a wind but a tornado of change, no doubt there are habits and preference that I have to give up and lay down. Specifically in the order of leadership and the people that I used to see every Saturday.

Coming to this stage, I realize that the changes that I had to make were far too great, perhaps far too great for myself to face. I struggled but I have come to a conclusion - no, I really do not have the strength to face these changes.

But perhaps what really is heart-breaking is for someone to come and say "You are no longer needed to function as you were". Albeit not directly, I knew that was how it came into my face. It is heart-breaking because I have spent my last 2 years revolving my life on one thing - to serve others and build people up. To have that role scaled-down and taken away to a somewhat extent, I have to say that really destroys my spirit and passion.

With the above said and done, I carry no longer any passion nor conviction, purpose or meaning to function. The merger did bought about new growth and challenges, both which I embraced, yet it took away the homely company that I look forward to every weekend. And so much so because I have no homely company elsewhere and this is the only place I have anchored myself to be in.

Having considered the option of a group change or perhaps more drastically, a church change, I avoided that option because I still had burdens and Maurise apologized for what she had said. But coming to this stage and what I have experienced thus far, sadly I am drained. Its time to stop putting myself in such a misery and let changes happen.

I can't remember when was the last time I seek God and desire new refreshment but I knew this whole matter did engulfed my heart and soul. Some may say in offense that I have anchored my life in the wrong ground but in my defense, is it such wrong that I have sought to serve from the example  when the Lord Himself washes His disciples feet? 

Some may say serving does not conflicts with leadership but in my experience for the past 4 month, I can only say its Yes & No. No because I am constantly cockblock by what I want to do and Yes because the action itself is far too small to be conflicted.

Could be I'm just a misfit. No matter what, I have no more energy to care and discussion with Daniel? Save it for the other groups. Sometimes crying seems to be the best way, but I have cried my eyes dry.

- Ben

Used To Be Mine

Usually, I do not listen to indie music neither am I a fan of one. However, I really think Last Dinosaurs is one of the better indie band I have ever heard, other than the more known indie like The XX or Arctic Monkeys. Used To Be Mine by Last Dinosaurs really speaks and identify in my depress moment these few days. Especially the licks which really speaks of loneliness.

Perhaps being emotionally depress has really bought my energy way low down. I thank God for having an awesome colleague, Yvonne. She is a Catholic Christian and is on her way to converting to Roman Catholic, though by religion we are different with me being a Protestant, I think fundamentally we understood and read the same teaching and doxology.

Even though I have been running regularly and sleeping for more than 7 hours everyday, I am still tired as crap and that's not because my work is tough, contrary to that, I think my actual working hour is probably only 3 hours out of the 9 hours I spent sitting my ass in the office.

She has pointed out and it really make sense to me, is that I am tired because emotionally I am depressed. I think that totally make sense. Maybe I am so drained every single morning is because I am dreading to face the world and I look forward to the ceasing of my existence. How dull.

Having the rare opportunity of meeting Tim and talking to him, it has relish my experience on why I did not want to become a shepherd ever again. I remember crying my heart out back in Youth because I have failed and 3 sheep of mine backslides simultaneously. I admit I was young and inexperienced back then.

Still, maybe it is my fault or maybe it is not mine, I am heart broke to see Tim falling. Honestly, I am doubtful of my commitment and skills to ever help people. Depressing thoughts floods my mind once again that perhaps I should give up on everything that I am holding onto.

It is really tempting to leave Hope and find a new home to worship. Somehow, Hope just feels so foreign to me. How ironic that the church is call Hope yet I am struggling to find a tinge of hope here.

I used to look forward a lot to LG meeting and after-church activities because I really enjoyed spending time with the companions that embarks on this journey to eternity together. Now, everything just feels cold and lonely.

Perhaps its the structural fault, perhaps its the people, perhaps I just feel unappreciated and unloved. Whatever it is, this is not somewhere I can call home nor feel like a home right now.

- Ben

A blank point of view

At some point, it probably occurs to everyone out there, perhaps as an epiphany or just a moment of thought, that everyone around you has their own background, a sob story to tell and pains to face. Personally I do not believe that even the richest person has no pains. Perhaps the pains he/she has to go through to achieve great wealth is just one of it.

The above thoughts, not many people could hold in their heart as a world view to approach people. I don't think I approach people with "this person probably has his own sob story". But meeting Enting last night has made me reviewed my paradigm of seeing people. Maybe people acts in a certain way is determined by their own pains and personal story. More specifically, the story with big incidents that changed their growing up years.

I'm probably not gonna get a degree in psychology but seeing as how the above idea is and after ruminating on it, I guess it is not such a surprise that people put on mask(s) to protect themselves. Masks to hide their vulnerable side and insecurities. I think its true that is not such a surprise, since as primates we take cover to hide from danger, we do the same mentally.

It makes sense. Sometimes people just want to understand our weak point to gain the upper hand. Very rare would people take time to listen a fellow out and help them. I mean, who the hell has time in Singapore to help a fellow brother out right? It's all about degree, career and settling down.

But I guess the more masks a person put on, it just means the more scars and pain a person has to deal with. Or let me reiterate, the equation above applies to majority of the people around us.

And so I asked, what's the downside to masks? It simply disallowed people who are willing to invest and help you out because they could not understand you on a personal and intimate level. But again, I guess that also serve to filter out those who are genuinely interested in us, yes?

- Ben

Solomon's Epiphany

After near 3 months of work in Elsevier as a credit controller, I have finally got my confirmation letter. A confirmation that my boss is real satisfied with my performance and wants me to work for the organization.

Other than this being my first real corporate job, not that I haven't been to MNC before but this one actually entitles me to the full permanent staff benefits, it is also the highest paying job I ever had. In fact, so blessed that none of my previous jobs come close.

Thinking back and after drawing such high paycheck for the past 2 month, splurging was only normal. However, there is one thing I realize after splurging so much. The only joy that ever lasted was when I splurge on someone else, not myself. There are so many things that I want, yet nothing really makes me more happy than to buy someone a coffee, a meal, or just a simple monetary gift.

I guess when Solomon acquired all the wealth he could ever contained or wish for, perhaps he had realized that everything is meaningless and nothing matters more than things of the eternal, the blessing and adding upon of another fellow's soul.

Asking a friend out is not that hard, but to have a full-blown heart talk is rare. No one is ever present even if they are just sitting opposite you nowadays. It's always a good practice to silent your phone and turn it facing downwards, that way, when you are fully present, you are blessing someone else with your presence and time. Unfortunately, that is not something people around me practices. Perhaps I just do not have the good fortune.

So I had my mid-year review today and my boss said she is really satisfied with my performance and no complaint, even though I had a few hiccups for the past weeks. I'll take that as a compliment. One thing that I try to cling onto when I entered Elsevier was that, I must never be contend with my position, not because I want a promotion or pay raise but because it honors God.

I would say at this point, with confidence, I am not worried about not having a degree or whether if I would get the next promotion or how much is my 2015 pay raise. My only security lies in whether if I have honored God everyday and that's all I need to accomplish. Though I have to say it is not easy to always keep that in mind.

With the above goal, I really think that this is the correct mindset and paradigm to hold, no matter what job and career you are in, you will succeed. And one last thing, you are secured, never worrying about not having enough. 

- Ben

No Ragrets

The title is funny because those who watched "We're the Millers", there's this guy with the tattoo that reads "No Ragrets" across his chest. Then again, the same guy looks like Axl Rose from Guns N' Roses in his younger days of Rock N' Roll.

I feel like there are a lot of things that I have been holding onto. To be honest, I thought after seeing my Pink IC again, I could finally close the chapter of NS on my life. It just does not felt that way. I guess NS was a bittersweet experience for me. I hated my CSM but then I came to appreciate him for all that he has done and never a time did he speak of why he did what he had to do.

Sometimes, I feel like I wasted my last 2 years because all I did was complain and look at my own suffering and then looking back now, I ask the question on 'What did I learnt ' ? I guess every mother son was there in the same camp with me yet each and single one of us received differently, though we had the same training, same superior and same treatment.

I remember being slightly excited for enlistment, with the conviction that I will go where God has in mind for me and upon seeing the word "2SIR" instead of Tekong, I was convinced that this is specific.

Then again, after 6 months has passed, I rue the day that I decided not to feign illness during my medical check-up. Actually, the entire time in 2SIR was hell, probably to be specific, 2SIR Alpha Company, led by CSM Kok & Cpt Gan.

The infamous Cpt Gan of Tekong 'R' Coy, coupled with my CSM who was an ADF regular who got CSM of the year (if I'm not wrong), the treatment was really different from other company. I remember having a 30 minute water parade the very first night because some mother's son just can't hold a 90-degree posture.

Subsequently, all I know was tons of punishment and training, turn-out and changing parade on 3rd night and then FBO turn-out run on the 5th night. Not sure if this is regular Infantry or perhaps Alpha company was just trained like ADF soldier instead.

Then again, thinking back, my only true regret was to only complain and not embrace the whole time I was at 2SIR. I guess my take back was having the best Armskote in the entire battalion and the fact that I have now enough discipline to be consistently 10 minute early in office everyday. I look at Kenneth, a fellow church mate who enlists into 16th Mono, he seems so happy and gaining so much even in the midst of much tough training.

I think possibly, my CSM was one-of-a-kind. He did not cared about position or KPI, he had his own standard of what is good and to raised disciplined soldiers that's all. What a focused & genuine man.

Ruminating on all this, I posed myself this question and perhaps If I may, to those who chance upon this blog, are we able to truly live a life of zero complain and embrace what comes ? Perhaps that's the true definition of living life to the fullest with no regrets.

Applying Economics

I realized sometimes, the game of relationship is like economics. Perhaps stock exchange as well, seeing as how affection can be at all time low and high as well. Then again, the word 'Game' is not exactly the right word, relationship should never be taken for a game. Screw it up and people get hurt, non-erasable unlike a saved data.

What has always being refreshing is really to spend a few hours, sitting down at a foreign place with no one but a laptop and reflect upon the week. Thinking back on the past few days as well as week, I fiddle with the thoughts of spending money to buy joy.

I already knew that Joy comes from acknowledging life is never easy and to be happy with what you have, rejoice in struggles because it builds you up and finally, helping other people. I maintain my stance that there should be nothing more important to a person than the people around him/her. Its a stark understanding that at one's deathbed, nothing should matters more than the people who are going there for the last minute of life.

It is not about being narcissistic, to know who will be there when one dies, though some people does want to know, not for the sake of treasuring they loves. I think at the end, no matter how much one achieve or how much that person can earn in their entire life time, all that is going to become oblivious. No one will remember for eternal.

One day, Einstein and Marilyn will be forgotten for there comes exceedingly better scientist and artist. There is nothing wrong with helping the world and impacting it in a huge way. Perhaps you can earn a nobel prize, which essentially is to tell you "Good job for Un-Fucking the World". However, I think the only people who will remember you is the people who you have impacted in their life.

To spend time building people's life up is totally worth it. Whether for religious reason or not. That person, whom you have build up, will become a walking testimony of your deeds. Believe it or not, that deeds will probably get passed down. Maybe this simple idea is the key to world peace. Though I suspect world peace will never happen.

So, coming back to my thoughts on spending money to buy Joy, I acknowledge personally that Joy does not comes from material possession. And neither should my Joy comes from answering other's material possession. Thus I guess I have already arrived at my own answer, that the ultimate Joy lies in building others and enriching them.

There is no insecurity in doing this. One who builds other builds themselves up.I think with this idea in mind, I am assured to give equal treatment to everyone who comes my way, in my own eyes of view I disclaim.

Maybe perhaps God has willed for me to be single and enjoy the fruits of a single life ? Sure I do yearn for a partner when I have a bad day and I just need someone to cuddle and achieve catharsis. However I guess learning to achieve this by being secure in God's providence, that is never seen or expected and can only be expect by faith, is much more fulfilling.

Thus I guess, this period of single-hood and waiting, is really a training ground for God to prepare us as the perfect Adam for Eve. And likewise for all the Eves' out there.

Meaningless

Truth be told, if I have a choice, I would have despised all those who are below me. People who have limitless excuses to themselves, people who thinks they own it all when they truly don't and tons and tons of people who think that they're good except that they are only good because the average 5 person around them are morons.

But my religion dictate otherwise. And my mind dictate otherwise of my evil heart intends.

It bitters me every single time when people complains about their life when they have so much goodness, only to not realize. True loneliness does not lies in not owning a Prada, Patek Phillipe or Cartier like others do. True loneliness is when the people around you, amplified, close people around you, who does not understand you when they should. Such is the fact of returning home that feels foreign.

Nothing is familiar to me at home.Nothing is crappier than to have strangers that identify more than a family member or close friends should. I constantly asked, who is going to answer my needs when I am constantly trying to answer people's needs, fair and just, to the best of my ability. Again, my religion dictate otherwise.

Perhaps when Simon of Cyrene was pressed upon by the Romans to carry Jesus' cross when he passed by while Jesus was on the way to Golgotha, that was a true illustration that God was trying to show. That it is never easy to carry a cross. The fact that Simon traveled 900 miles from Cyrene, the modern day Libya, to celebrate the Passover Feast at Jerusalem, only to have his hands dirtied and tired from the journey. And that is even before he got to enter Jerusalem.

Maybe when people commit adultery and extra-marital affairs, it is not so surprising. Perhaps the reason is only as simple as the existing relationship that has gone cold unknowingly and both parties just simply does not understand each other anymore. However, that should never be an excuse in any ways.

- Ben

The Hell Song

I find it funny that some people are actually envious of my life, or maybe, jealous. It is unbelievable in my point of view.

There are people who says that I am very lucky to be almost independent even before I turn 21. To those who live in Singapore and actually understands, yes, I am way ahead of all my peers. In terms of qualification and career wise.

The question is, what price did I pay to have all this ?

Coming back to those who are envious, having all this does not mean I had nothing to pay for. I did not experience the life of tertiary or ever enjoy my childhood. Even before I was 12, I already knew that life is going to be very difficult and my family will never provide for me. In my opinion, no children should ever have to go through their childhood worrying about stuff like this. I had to.

If my childhood was just about worrying, sure, then it is just paranoia. No. The worries are real. Having to live through occasional blackouts at home and debtors' visits.

Probably the biggest ruin of my childhood was that I don't have a complete family. Sure, we can all go through hell and financial ruins as a family. However, the word 'family' just simply doesn't exist in my world. I know my father does not provide nor does he provide since I'm young. Even till now, he is still asking for money occasionally even when he is working.

Back in 1995, my father is a millionaire. Until the Asia financial crisis in 1997. What bothers me is, even with all that money, my father did not bother to invest in a better property or provided the family well. Never bought my mother gift or bring her to fancy restaurant. Or any of that for any of us for that matter.

After becoming bankrupt and the family discovering the extra-marital affair, my mother still decide to stick by him. Only because I was still a kid. Sometimes, I rue the day I was born to be honest. In just a few year on 2005, my father screw up a business again, only to cause my mother to become bankrupt as well.

The biggest bummer is having to live with the knowledge that your father owns a condo somewhere, living it off from the profit of selling a house with another women whose womb you do not come from. All that luxury, that you do not benefit from yet to suffer the torture.

All that money, not a single cent that flows into the family.

Everyday after I leave office, I know that I don't return home. I simply return to a house, a shelter. There is no home for me. The fact that I live through my whole childhood not being able to enjoy what others enjoyed because their parent provided for them, sheltered them, so that they can be worried-free, it SUCKS big time.

It pains me whenever I attend someone's graduation parade, whether POP/SCS/OCS/ORD, whatever. It pains because those people who graduate, almost always, their parent will be there to be happy and proud for their son. I don't get to experience that, or ever again I will. The scene of enlisting alone, passing out with no parent to look forward to, that will always be fresh in my mind. But still, of course that doesn't mean I should be bitter about people graduating.

I know that I could have went to NA stream, do well enough to get into Poly and live the kind of life I want to experience. But I couldn't be so selfish. Even before I finish my N level, I was already partially working. Some people work for extra money, but its not like they are poor or their family is poor. However, that is me. Such is my situation.

Who the hell start working at 16 to pay off their diploma ? I'm probably not the only one but in the final analysis, no one should have to go through that. Or at least forced to go through that.

All this are not without criticism. I guess along the way, people do want to take you down even when you are already very much under. Some people commented that I shouldn't have took a private diploma or even further study. My question is, who's gonna provide for me if I don't crawl upwards ?

To be honest, some people think that I'm rather arrogant. If I were to put this bluntly forward without any grace, its because I have earned my right to be arrogant. I have justified my right to be arrogant.

I guess at the end of the day, God's grace is still very much at play. I have been blessed with a very loving brother and a very loving church. There are some truth to private diploma being second-rate. However, I guess God really provides. My very first corporate job out of army, I'm already paid above the national average.

With all this at hand, am I one to be truly envious of ? I hope not. I did not came so far without paying the right price or worked hard in toiling.

- Ben

If I Don't Stay

Ran my flu away, almost literally. The ironic thing is, I didn't always like running. In fact, I don't even consider myself an avid runner. How 2 years actually changes a person huh.

On a deep reflection, in fact every single time I go for a run, I'll always auto reflect and discover a mini epiphany at the end of it. Its almost like that's how God want's to speak to me.

Running is not something that I enjoy or I just want to do it. At least not before army. The only time I had to run was because I am rushing or I need to take my NAPFA. However surprisingly, I never once had a problem with NAPFA in Secondary School. Perhaps because my sport was BMX and since that's an extreme sport, I wasn't exactly out of shape.

Recalling Amoy Quee is a funny incident. I was walking one day from YCK to AMK with Jacob Chang, a long-time church friend of mine. Out of the blue, he mentioned that there is a very old camp, in the middle between the former 2 train station and it is a very tough unit. Right, I could tell it was tough from the name of the camp. The skeptics inside me took the better and thought that I will not be that unlucky to enlist there.

I mean, predictably, I don't even know Mono Enlistment existed back then. True enough, MINDEF just had to send me a letter, right on my 18th, telling me to report to Amoy Quee in 1.5 month time. Ever since that fateful day of 8th December 2011, my life was never the same. Enlisting with my 2.4km timing at 15 min, leaving it at 10 min flat.

It was only during PTP that I discovered the joy of running. Not just because it slims me down, though I did needed the slimming but the epiphany and revelation I always get at the end of it. Even after 2 years have passed, it still does. On a side note, if I may just add, Infantry does sucks. I still maintain it is just Guards without pride. Though I have to agree that every battle and war is won with the Infantry.

Can't help looking forward to the weekend because I get to meet him. However it seems that thinking from another perspective of gaining a new level of independence by trying to break free from this emotional struggle seems promising.

- Ben

Crush Crush Crush

Time has been scarce for me recently, especially this week. Finally have some time to sit down and have some personally time to reflect. Funny thing is, I'm sitting Orlando's Jamming Studio now because I knock off so early and the jam only starts at 8pm.

Orlando, what a memory lane. My very first band started here. Remembering the many time I used to rush here for band practice just so that we can work our way towards performing standard but only to fall because one by one, each member keeps leaving. Good times. I guess it is also a place I spent myself committed to in my younger days after breaking up with Pinky.

Work has recently been rather tough than usual. It is to be expected I guess since this is the world of Finance sector, where closing and opening makes everyone go mad, especially now that it is mid year closing for everyone, not just me.

Having not see him for more than a week, it seems that distance does help me to get some fresh space in my brain. To think about what is right, what matters most, what is priority and what is righteous. Reading many articles and seeing how a lot of homosexuals like myself struggles, I guess there is only one common insight to take back - everyone who struggles through aren't selfish people that put their own needs first. Perhaps, that can be a rather noble sentence I figured. However, if all Jesus thought about is how He is going to be crucified and how everyone is gonna turn their back on Him at the very last moment - and that includes Peter, the one who He calls The Rock, perhaps Jesus wouldn't have went to the cross.

In hindsight, true giving and blessing is never about expecting returns, only to see the gain of others and be happy about it. I need to be happy about being able to put him above my own emotional needs. Perhaps this is a unique struggle that God has given me to go through ? In anyway, I know I have the Words to look to, that is "he who sharpens others sharpens himself".

Jam's about to start. Time to rock that Marshall amp.

- Ben

Crush crush crush because that's the very first song I played in Orlando.

Sevens

Looks like this is the second post, right after the last weekend of reflecting what has happened thus far. Would there be development ? Definitely.

It certainly has been a tiring week. Both physically and mentally. Work has been becoming increasingly complicated and tough, though I guess that's good thing since it does keeps my mind off what I am not supposed to think about. Or at least what I am not supposed to think about at work.

Then again, I knew subconsciously I still look forward to the weekend, not because church or anything. Of course, I do value church, seeing the people and my rest since work has been exorbitantly draining on the mental side. Then again, I really do want to see him.

I guess it has not been so much intense after the last post and speaking of this issue to some people whom I think that is trust-able. I find that keep myself away from texting him seems to be a working solution. Actually, this is rather ironic as well. Some may see this as an issue, some see this as a normal thing and some thinks that this may be a bliss. Can't help thinking that its wrong and I should stay away.

Coming to subway and reflect seems to become a place of comfort for me. Especially the sofa seat. Still, its a torture, as how my counselor calls it, a push-pull or tug-o-war in the mind. Its torturing how I want to see him every single second yet when I do, I just feel like I losing myself and I should step away. Does stepping away really solve the solution ? I know even my counselor can''t help me on this sexuality issue.

Been wanting to watch Purple Light, a short film that speaks about homosexuality in a more or less tempting and demanding circumstances. It is really meaningful, for those who have not watched it. It speaks about the main actor who fell in love with his buddy, however to put his buddy's need and situation above his own's want for him. Because his buddy has a girlfriend. I guess perhaps in conclusion, its really about putting others before yourself and what you feel, again, that's one aspect of love. That is to put other's above your own needs.

Signing off. I should really reflect more often.

- Ben

Waves

Seeing as how the last post of this blog was close to 4 years ago, returning to write another post simply meant that I'm yet in another emotional turmoil. Understanding that the very fact why the blog was even revived back in 2010 was because I had the biggest break up of my life. Yet at this very point, I'm about to have another emotional break up, albeit one-sided.

I think looking back, a lot of circumstance has changed. I am 21 now, served my NS stint, holding a corporate job and owning my own business, earning my own pennies yet there lies one thing that does not change. The very fact that in order to love someone, is to become emotionally vulnerable.

To the people who knew me, I am someone who is really soft. Perhaps to say, it has become a part of me to be domineering, controlling, to be able to know in my heart that I always have the upper hand and I know I will be able to make escape and yet be the very first to hurt others. Yet my intention was never to hurt for I knew how much it does to a person.

Of course, again why I am posting this and probably just once off, is because I have encountered or am going to encounter yet another emotional dilemma/turmoil/break-up, however you think of it.

I knew I have always being able and am attracted to male, as well as female. I guess by the socials definition, that puts me as an Bi-sexual. However, coming to be 21 year of age in another 4 month, I have realize attraction has different dimension. To be attracted physically, emotionally and spiritually. I have never taken my bisexuality seriously for I always knew I am just physically attracted, yet when my heart crave for a relationship, I knew that I need a female. How do I verify ? My last break-up was a female.

However, the situation now seems to be much more different. It is not because I have engaged myself in another relationship. Yet however, for the first time, I knew I was attracted to a guy in all 3 spectrum. It takes no more than a simple person to understand that when you are attracted to a person beyond the physical, you know you're in for a development. I know I'm in deep-shit.

Understandably, the global society has come to a more accepting situation about people in the LGBT spectrum, that perhaps include me even though I am not a willing participant. Why ? I did not chose to be bisexual. Rather, I knew that since young, I was attracted to male. In fact, I was attracted to male first before I was attracted to female. So perhaps I have turned from gay to a bi ?

Still, I am a firm Christ believer. The Word has always stated very clearly that God's creation were meant to be Adam & Eve. Which also meant that any thing other than what was created is perverted. But I also knew very clearly God was not condemning people who are gay/lesbian/bi but He is saying that the very action/thought is wrong. I know I am redeemed because He accepts me for who I am but not what I do. To live a righteous life is not to be sinless yet in obedience to His words.

However, there and back again, I fell in love with a male. Not just anyone else but a person from my cell group to which I'm leading.

I knew it was not a simple as just ignoring it. It tears me apart knowing that he is someone I want to groom yet I have inevitably fell for and I, myself, have fallen so badly. Each time when I see my whatsapp. I know that I yearn to text him. Yet, I have always over think. If this is not falling in love, I do not know what sorcery this is.

I do not know how to face him, knowing I have my own agenda and God's words and calling for me to groom and teach people. Without communication, how can one teach ? It is not as simple as just ignoring and not talking. However of late, something grows in my heart that perhaps I should pass the baton to someone else, for someone else who is perhaps more normal, to groom him. But that also means transferring him away.

I guess I have been so used to seeing him and his presence, the thought of that does tears me slightly apart inside every time. So this is it, my emotional turmoil. I am no where attractive, no where getting to the female of my dreams but deeply in love with a guy who I should not be in.

Much has really changed. Hope Church moving from Nexus Auditorium to Axis Auditorium. At this very point of writing this post in a Subway outlet at Keypoint that sits in the vicinity of church, listening to Waves by Guthrie Govan, with my iPhone at 10% because there is no Wifi here, I remember 4 years ago having to reflect all this at home with a stick of cigarette because I do not have a laptop, a smartphone or money to even visit the coffeeshop nearby, I am yet in another emotional dilemma.

My take on Waves by Guthrie Govan ? Its a really sad song. So sad that it does not have lyrics because its beyond sad.

- Ben