These 2 and 1/2 week has certainly been a period of much thinking. Certainly emotional as well. I am surprisingly well-aware of my feelings and the emotions I am going through. I guess the best way to explains is that I'm going through the 5 stages of grief.
It is funny because the 5 stages of grief can only occur when you are grieving for something. A loss, death of a loved ones, sudden emotional trauma, .etc. And maybe this applies because the church and the Lifegroup specifically has been a big part of my life.
After this short period of time, reality has hit hard that I really don't have a life outside of church. It is really depressing that this thing that I have spent a large part of my life revolving around, failed me in the end. Ultimately it is true that God did not fail me but I felt compel to blame God for this.
It is disappointing as well that ever since I made the decision to leave, most people are just speculating on why I made the decision to leave and judging me while what I truly do need is just someone to hear my thoughts and concerns. I think coming to this point of time, I am reassured that only Blogger is willing to listen. Listen, not just hear.
Disappointment after one another, it is sad that they have decided to put me out of the musio. Whether temporary or not, it is hurting to find out that the decision was made without even discussing with me or finding out what happened. Instead, all this went on behind my back. Maybe people are just afraid of people lying to one another.
Perhaps majority of those people who left church, maybe what they need at the very point of making the decision was truly just a listening ear. When Glenn made the decision to leave, I did not sit around, do a differential on why he is leaving. I met him up and had coffee. Oh wait, maybe I'm just different. Perhaps over-radical? While Jeremy says that he saw this "difference in leadership style" coming, maybe he should ask himself if he had a plan so that things would not end up like this.
I'm not trying to victimized myself. I am the victim of this whole shit that went down. And no, I do not sit around crying wolf but there's just no choice. Nothing can be done. Utterly disappointed that Jeremy said he will not interfere in this matter. Utterly disappointed that Ignite 12th is falling apart and Jeremy seems nonchalant about it. This is not what I heard before the split.
I do not believe in a facade. However, perhaps this whole situation would have been very different if I chose to put on one instead. Stewart's incident with Jeremy and Jeremiah was a very good learning lesson. Yet I ignored, thinking they can be trusted.
I'm not sure at this point if I should feel sad, disappointed, angry, frustrated, nonchalant. Watching House M.D. has been an avenue of escape for me. To actually stop thinking, analyzing and just indulge.
There is no joy in being noble, righteous and obedient. At least not that I see how God loves me right now that things has turned to shit and people turning their faces against me. Part of me wants to declare that God does not exist and I have wasted my youth. Yet I cannot deny the miracles and goodness I had experienced. Loneliness on earth is hell and I rather not wake up to see the sun rise.
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