Used To Be Mine

Usually, I do not listen to indie music neither am I a fan of one. However, I really think Last Dinosaurs is one of the better indie band I have ever heard, other than the more known indie like The XX or Arctic Monkeys. Used To Be Mine by Last Dinosaurs really speaks and identify in my depress moment these few days. Especially the licks which really speaks of loneliness.

Perhaps being emotionally depress has really bought my energy way low down. I thank God for having an awesome colleague, Yvonne. She is a Catholic Christian and is on her way to converting to Roman Catholic, though by religion we are different with me being a Protestant, I think fundamentally we understood and read the same teaching and doxology.

Even though I have been running regularly and sleeping for more than 7 hours everyday, I am still tired as crap and that's not because my work is tough, contrary to that, I think my actual working hour is probably only 3 hours out of the 9 hours I spent sitting my ass in the office.

She has pointed out and it really make sense to me, is that I am tired because emotionally I am depressed. I think that totally make sense. Maybe I am so drained every single morning is because I am dreading to face the world and I look forward to the ceasing of my existence. How dull.

Having the rare opportunity of meeting Tim and talking to him, it has relish my experience on why I did not want to become a shepherd ever again. I remember crying my heart out back in Youth because I have failed and 3 sheep of mine backslides simultaneously. I admit I was young and inexperienced back then.

Still, maybe it is my fault or maybe it is not mine, I am heart broke to see Tim falling. Honestly, I am doubtful of my commitment and skills to ever help people. Depressing thoughts floods my mind once again that perhaps I should give up on everything that I am holding onto.

It is really tempting to leave Hope and find a new home to worship. Somehow, Hope just feels so foreign to me. How ironic that the church is call Hope yet I am struggling to find a tinge of hope here.

I used to look forward a lot to LG meeting and after-church activities because I really enjoyed spending time with the companions that embarks on this journey to eternity together. Now, everything just feels cold and lonely.

Perhaps its the structural fault, perhaps its the people, perhaps I just feel unappreciated and unloved. Whatever it is, this is not somewhere I can call home nor feel like a home right now.

- Ben