After the last post and with some thoughts and consideration, I have pretty much arrived at new-found resolution. Meeting my brother for dinner, I am almost embarrass to say I spent most of the time complaining about the circumstance, other than the occasional small talk on his wedding and my job which is really going just fine.
Did I achieve catharsis? Not really. I did realize that ever since the merge, I have been complaining every single time I met him for dinner. Is it really just me? I feel like such a big misfit and honestly sometime, maybe, just maybe I thought that I am being a wimpy kid. Quite a possibility considering I am the only one who is revolting.
Well, what has been said and done is long gone. I really feel like I'm in such a misery, torn between visions and desires. It is really time to re-align what I thought was true and real. Leaving the group would be the best way. I'm exhausted and sick of all the small talks and surface doings.
Maybe seeing as how Haojie is leaving for Australia, this is a good chance to distance myself once and for all from him, from the group, from everything. I need to move on.
Somehow, this feels exactly as breaking up with Pinky. No appetite, no energy, some morning I just feel like a walking dead, zombified. With no answer in sight, this whole situation feels strangely familiar but haunting at the same time.
I think no doubt I will pick up and walk away from this. Then again, its a question of when and how does it changes me as a person. I felt like I have aged a couple of years the last few month. I can totally understand why my colleague says they don't feel that I'm a 20 year old kid turning 21 next month.
Now I understand. The person who smile the widest are also the person who was hurt the most. The person who loved the most are also the person who needed to be love the most.
But perhaps my heart has grown so cold I no longer need any loving.
- Ben
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