Unfortunately, reality struck quick and fast and a morbid one at that, there is no awesome LG to look forward to. Just a church service that feels oh-so-foreign to me nowadays that I wonder if the passing of time will ever help?
I really feel that I have parachuted myself onto a quick sand, maybe I have set myself on a journey of a long-dark tunnel which I could not see an end for light, To be honest, the word 'suffocation' is an understatement. Struck me suddenly why am I in so much misery when perhaps from a 3rd party point of view, this is just something minor.
I really think that all human-kind, we are somewhat a creature of habit. No matter how hobo a person is, there are things that we simply have a preference that it be done and experienced in a specific manner. With regards to that, I cannot deny that yes, I am heavily guilty of being a habitual person. But it did occurred to me that perhaps habitual preference is inevitable because we all desire security and security can only be found in something we are experience of, know of and know it full well.
While everyone seems to be perfectly fine, some perhaps even embracing the merger of NS and YA group, I don't. I'm not sure if it is more burdensome and noble to know of the merger plan way beforehand or those who simply does not knew a thing and was carried into the merger just out of sudden. Certainly, I did not felt good even from the start. Especially knowing that we are merging with the 2 person that I simply disliked right from the very start.
To be tossed into this wind of change, perhaps not just a wind but a tornado of change, no doubt there are habits and preference that I have to give up and lay down. Specifically in the order of leadership and the people that I used to see every Saturday.
Coming to this stage, I realize that the changes that I had to make were far too great, perhaps far too great for myself to face. I struggled but I have come to a conclusion - no, I really do not have the strength to face these changes.
But perhaps what really is heart-breaking is for someone to come and say "You are no longer needed to function as you were". Albeit not directly, I knew that was how it came into my face. It is heart-breaking because I have spent my last 2 years revolving my life on one thing - to serve others and build people up. To have that role scaled-down and taken away to a somewhat extent, I have to say that really destroys my spirit and passion.
With the above said and done, I carry no longer any passion nor conviction, purpose or meaning to function. The merger did bought about new growth and challenges, both which I embraced, yet it took away the homely company that I look forward to every weekend. And so much so because I have no homely company elsewhere and this is the only place I have anchored myself to be in.
Having considered the option of a group change or perhaps more drastically, a church change, I avoided that option because I still had burdens and Maurise apologized for what she had said. But coming to this stage and what I have experienced thus far, sadly I am drained. Its time to stop putting myself in such a misery and let changes happen.
I can't remember when was the last time I seek God and desire new refreshment but I knew this whole matter did engulfed my heart and soul. Some may say in offense that I have anchored my life in the wrong ground but in my defense, is it such wrong that I have sought to serve from the example when the Lord Himself washes His disciples feet?
Some may say serving does not conflicts with leadership but in my experience for the past 4 month, I can only say its Yes & No. No because I am constantly cockblock by what I want to do and Yes because the action itself is far too small to be conflicted.
Could be I'm just a misfit. No matter what, I have no more energy to care and discussion with Daniel? Save it for the other groups. Sometimes crying seems to be the best way, but I have cried my eyes dry.
- Ben
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