Saturday, February 28, 2015

All Matters

Its been a long 3 week since the last post. My recent obsession is the book "Changes That Heal" by Dr. Henry Cloud. Either I am just a hypocrite that listens to what I want to listen or Cloud just writes so much truth.

I think looking back so far, it is clear that I need some serious healing. I am surprised as to how much truth the Support Group can reveal, other than just keeping each and everyone of us accountable to our sexuality. It astonished me that this wayward sexuality doesn't really stems from just some weird gene, hormones or whatever. It has nothing to do with bodily function and everything to do with the heart and soul.

It has been a dark and challenging time, it still is. But I acknowledge now that I am badly shot and I need healing. Same-sex attraction aside, it permeates my mind and depresses me every waking moment to think about church. It is that until the Support Group counselor told me that this is about forgiveness and exchanging the unfairness dealt and whatever that I could not have for God's blessing and peace.

It is a chaotic battle in my heart and mind. Rationalizing on what makes sense and why I should not forgive but that is my way, human carnal destructive way. It is the way of God to love and forgive. It is not a pleasant feeling to kneel down and speak of forgiveness yet my heart feels otherwise. Though against all this, it is a matter of proclaiming forgiveness and joy even though the heart has not catches up.

I long for the day that I walk free as a man, from emotional hurt, emptiness and loneliness in my heart. Back to what Dr. Henry Cloud has wrote, to summarize the book, it is all about being detached from community and isolation that ultimately cause the demise of every human being due to being retracted into a corner of depression and then the denial of need for bonding.

I love how he included the Law of Entropy. It is true that anything left to its on will degrade and disintegrate over time and he apply this law to our emotional and spiritual being. It is my habit to care excessive for people that I am burdened about but I do not admit my needs and seek help.

I need help.

Saturday, February 07, 2015

Circle of Error

I am astonished how Leigh Nash and Matt Slocum from Sixpence None The Richer writes such amazing song. It is not only a Christian band but an realistic one at that. Especially the songs from the early 90's, specifically the 'This Beautiful Mess' album. 'Love, Salvation & The Fear of Death" as well as 'Circle of Error' really connects to me in so many level.

Attending a support group that deals with a specific sexuality issue, I find myself in an entirely new and odd environment. Even the worship style and genre is different. Generally in a nutshell, I am quite scared and uncomfortable. I'm not sure what kind of fellowship and direction I am going to gather from this group but seeing as a goal to point me in the right direction of holy sexuality, this is a fear and struggle I have to wrestle with.

On hindsight, I do think there is a lot of bandages and old wounds that is going to be ripped open. It does feel like I'm going into a spiritual surgery. It make sense that to heal badly patched wound is to open it again and correct it. I just wished that things weren't so fucked up but it is.

I think recently I am caught on the consumerism pattern. So bad that I am broke-ass days before payday. It certainly does feels like I am buying objects to fill this emptiness in my heart. Coming back to the Circle of Error, the lyrics is so correct, so direct and so blunt.

"...When I kneel to pray, it never seems that you're never there and I'll admit that I do not try when it's easier to sit down and cry. I'm so full of doubt".

Nevertheless, it has always been an war of conflicting thoughts and argument in my head between self-destruction and self-preservation these few month. I do want to have a good cry about all this but most of the time I just feel so emotion-less about it. It's just, sad, but not sad enough to cry.

I do feel like I have missed God's train towards salvation and fruitfulness. It is disorientating when the church is always talking about harvest and favors when this whole period is all about being left alone in a desert looking for a tiny oasis. It feels like God is hanging me out to dry but again, it is equally hard for me to crawl toward's God. I admit that I hate God and I hate myself for all this crap that is going on. It is hard to find joy when the center of my life is a black-hole of nothingness.

I'd pray for healing in my heart but it seems to take a great deal of strength to even make a sincere prayer. Perhaps I deserve to be hang utterly dry? I really wonder who would secretly pray for my soul at this very moment. At least I know that was a practice I used to do and journal it down everyday in the days of leadership.

At Concourse Starbucks now, I would never turn up for service today but because Glenn is attending without anyone, I am here. Call me a patriot in the Kingdom without the love of God in my heart, I secretly hope it is otherwise.