I think looking back so far, it is clear that I need some serious healing. I am surprised as to how much truth the Support Group can reveal, other than just keeping each and everyone of us accountable to our sexuality. It astonished me that this wayward sexuality doesn't really stems from just some weird gene, hormones or whatever. It has nothing to do with bodily function and everything to do with the heart and soul.
It has been a dark and challenging time, it still is. But I acknowledge now that I am badly shot and I need healing. Same-sex attraction aside, it permeates my mind and depresses me every waking moment to think about church. It is that until the Support Group counselor told me that this is about forgiveness and exchanging the unfairness dealt and whatever that I could not have for God's blessing and peace.
It is a chaotic battle in my heart and mind. Rationalizing on what makes sense and why I should not forgive but that is my way, human carnal destructive way. It is the way of God to love and forgive. It is not a pleasant feeling to kneel down and speak of forgiveness yet my heart feels otherwise. Though against all this, it is a matter of proclaiming forgiveness and joy even though the heart has not catches up.
I long for the day that I walk free as a man, from emotional hurt, emptiness and loneliness in my heart. Back to what Dr. Henry Cloud has wrote, to summarize the book, it is all about being detached from community and isolation that ultimately cause the demise of every human being due to being retracted into a corner of depression and then the denial of need for bonding.
I love how he included the Law of Entropy. It is true that anything left to its on will degrade and disintegrate over time and he apply this law to our emotional and spiritual being. It is my habit to care excessive for people that I am burdened about but I do not admit my needs and seek help.
I need help.
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