Thoughts and Memoirs

Spent the whole last week burying my head into the basic theories and defensive theories for Class 2B. I can only say that it is totally draining and a waste of time. Well, except to refresh my knowledge on the do's and don't on the road. And then, lots of time on debating back and forth on the thoughts in my head.

These 2 and 1/2 week has certainly been a period of much thinking. Certainly emotional as well. I am surprisingly well-aware of my feelings and the emotions I am going through. I guess the best way to explains is that I'm going through the 5 stages of grief.

It is funny because the 5 stages of grief can only occur when you are grieving for something. A loss, death of a loved ones, sudden emotional trauma, .etc. And maybe this applies because the church and the Lifegroup specifically has been a big part of my life.

After this short period of time, reality has hit hard that I really don't have a life outside of church. It is really depressing that this thing that I have spent a large part of my life revolving around, failed me in the end. Ultimately it is true that God did not fail me but I felt compel to blame God for this.

It is disappointing as well that ever since I made the decision to leave, most people are just speculating on why I made the decision to leave and judging me while what I truly do need is just someone to hear my thoughts and concerns. I think coming to this point of time, I am reassured that only Blogger is willing to listen. Listen, not just hear.

Disappointment after one another, it is sad that they have decided to put me out of the musio. Whether temporary or not, it is hurting to find out that the decision was made without even discussing with me or finding out what happened. Instead, all this went on behind my back. Maybe people are just afraid of people lying to one another.

Perhaps majority of those people who left church, maybe what they need at the very point of making the decision was truly just a listening ear. When Glenn made the decision to leave, I did not sit around, do a differential on why he is leaving. I met him up and had coffee. Oh wait, maybe I'm just different. Perhaps over-radical? While Jeremy says that he saw this "difference in leadership style" coming, maybe he should ask himself if he had a plan so that things would not end up like this.

I'm not trying to victimized myself. I am the victim of this whole shit that went down. And no, I do not sit around crying wolf but there's just no choice. Nothing can be done. Utterly disappointed that Jeremy said he will not interfere in this matter. Utterly disappointed that Ignite 12th is falling apart and Jeremy seems nonchalant about it. This is not what I heard before the split.

I do not believe in a facade. However, perhaps this whole situation would have been very different if I chose to put on one instead. Stewart's incident with Jeremy and Jeremiah was a very good learning lesson. Yet I ignored, thinking they can be trusted.

I'm not sure at this point if I should feel sad, disappointed, angry, frustrated, nonchalant. Watching House M.D. has been an avenue of escape for me. To actually stop thinking, analyzing and just indulge.

There is no joy in being noble, righteous and obedient. At least not that I see how God loves me right now that things has turned to shit and people turning their faces against me. Part of me wants to declare that God does not exist and I have wasted my youth. Yet I cannot deny the miracles and goodness I had experienced. Loneliness on earth is hell and I rather not wake up to see the sun rise.

Innocence Lost

Andy Timmons and Kiko Loureiro is my new obsession of solo instrumentals. Just love how the shredding has so much emotion. Coincidentally, they are both Ibanez guitar endorsee. Somehow there's just something about Ibanez guitar that's is so mesmerizing which I don't get it.

After the last post and with some thoughts and consideration, I have pretty much arrived at new-found resolution. Meeting my brother for dinner, I am almost embarrass to say I spent most of the time complaining about the circumstance, other than the occasional small talk on his wedding and my job which is really going just fine.

Did I achieve catharsis? Not really. I did realize that ever since the merge, I have been complaining every single time I met him for dinner. Is it really just me? I feel like such a big misfit and honestly sometime, maybe, just maybe I thought that I am being a wimpy kid. Quite a possibility considering I am the only one who is revolting.

Well, what has been said and done is long gone. I really feel like I'm in such a misery, torn between visions and desires. It is really time to re-align what I thought was true and real. Leaving the group would be the best way. I'm exhausted and sick of all the small talks and surface doings.

Maybe seeing as how Haojie is leaving for Australia, this is a good chance to distance myself once and for all from him, from the group, from everything. I need to move on.

Somehow, this feels exactly as breaking up with Pinky. No appetite, no energy, some morning I just feel like a walking dead, zombified. With no answer in sight, this whole situation feels strangely familiar but haunting at the same time.

I think no doubt I will pick up and walk away from this. Then again, its a question of when and how does it changes me as a person. I felt like I have aged a couple of years the last few month. I can totally understand why my colleague says they don't feel that I'm a 20 year old kid turning 21 next month. 

Now I understand. The person who smile the widest are also the person who was hurt the most. The person who loved the most are also the person who needed to be love the most.

But perhaps my heart has grown so cold I no longer need any loving.

- Ben

Somewhere Only We Know

Today seems like a good Saturday. Sun-shining, warm weather and I love just how the new cotton navy V-neck t-shirt from Zalora feels so good on my skin and CK One doing its thing; smelling good, along with a new pair of Havaianas slipper because my red Cotton On slipper had a hole in it.

Unfortunately, reality struck quick and fast and a morbid one at that, there is no awesome LG to look forward to. Just a church service that feels oh-so-foreign to me nowadays that I wonder if the passing of time will ever help?

I really feel that I have parachuted myself onto a quick sand, maybe I have set myself on a journey of a long-dark tunnel which I could not see an end for light, To be honest, the word 'suffocation' is an understatement. Struck me suddenly why am I in so much misery when perhaps from a 3rd party point of view, this is just something minor.

I really think that all human-kind, we are somewhat a creature of habit. No matter how hobo a person is, there are things that we simply have a preference that it be done and experienced in a specific manner. With regards to that, I cannot deny that yes, I am heavily guilty of being a habitual person. But it did occurred to me that perhaps habitual preference is inevitable because we all desire security and security can only be found in something we are experience of, know of and know it full well.

While everyone seems to be perfectly fine, some perhaps even embracing the merger of NS and YA group, I don't. I'm not sure if it is more burdensome and noble to know of the merger plan way beforehand or those who simply does not knew a thing and was carried into the merger just out of sudden. Certainly, I did not felt good even from the start. Especially knowing that we are merging with the 2 person that I simply disliked right from the very start.

To be tossed into this wind of change, perhaps not just a wind but a tornado of change, no doubt there are habits and preference that I have to give up and lay down. Specifically in the order of leadership and the people that I used to see every Saturday.

Coming to this stage, I realize that the changes that I had to make were far too great, perhaps far too great for myself to face. I struggled but I have come to a conclusion - no, I really do not have the strength to face these changes.

But perhaps what really is heart-breaking is for someone to come and say "You are no longer needed to function as you were". Albeit not directly, I knew that was how it came into my face. It is heart-breaking because I have spent my last 2 years revolving my life on one thing - to serve others and build people up. To have that role scaled-down and taken away to a somewhat extent, I have to say that really destroys my spirit and passion.

With the above said and done, I carry no longer any passion nor conviction, purpose or meaning to function. The merger did bought about new growth and challenges, both which I embraced, yet it took away the homely company that I look forward to every weekend. And so much so because I have no homely company elsewhere and this is the only place I have anchored myself to be in.

Having considered the option of a group change or perhaps more drastically, a church change, I avoided that option because I still had burdens and Maurise apologized for what she had said. But coming to this stage and what I have experienced thus far, sadly I am drained. Its time to stop putting myself in such a misery and let changes happen.

I can't remember when was the last time I seek God and desire new refreshment but I knew this whole matter did engulfed my heart and soul. Some may say in offense that I have anchored my life in the wrong ground but in my defense, is it such wrong that I have sought to serve from the example  when the Lord Himself washes His disciples feet? 

Some may say serving does not conflicts with leadership but in my experience for the past 4 month, I can only say its Yes & No. No because I am constantly cockblock by what I want to do and Yes because the action itself is far too small to be conflicted.

Could be I'm just a misfit. No matter what, I have no more energy to care and discussion with Daniel? Save it for the other groups. Sometimes crying seems to be the best way, but I have cried my eyes dry.

- Ben

Used To Be Mine

Usually, I do not listen to indie music neither am I a fan of one. However, I really think Last Dinosaurs is one of the better indie band I have ever heard, other than the more known indie like The XX or Arctic Monkeys. Used To Be Mine by Last Dinosaurs really speaks and identify in my depress moment these few days. Especially the licks which really speaks of loneliness.

Perhaps being emotionally depress has really bought my energy way low down. I thank God for having an awesome colleague, Yvonne. She is a Catholic Christian and is on her way to converting to Roman Catholic, though by religion we are different with me being a Protestant, I think fundamentally we understood and read the same teaching and doxology.

Even though I have been running regularly and sleeping for more than 7 hours everyday, I am still tired as crap and that's not because my work is tough, contrary to that, I think my actual working hour is probably only 3 hours out of the 9 hours I spent sitting my ass in the office.

She has pointed out and it really make sense to me, is that I am tired because emotionally I am depressed. I think that totally make sense. Maybe I am so drained every single morning is because I am dreading to face the world and I look forward to the ceasing of my existence. How dull.

Having the rare opportunity of meeting Tim and talking to him, it has relish my experience on why I did not want to become a shepherd ever again. I remember crying my heart out back in Youth because I have failed and 3 sheep of mine backslides simultaneously. I admit I was young and inexperienced back then.

Still, maybe it is my fault or maybe it is not mine, I am heart broke to see Tim falling. Honestly, I am doubtful of my commitment and skills to ever help people. Depressing thoughts floods my mind once again that perhaps I should give up on everything that I am holding onto.

It is really tempting to leave Hope and find a new home to worship. Somehow, Hope just feels so foreign to me. How ironic that the church is call Hope yet I am struggling to find a tinge of hope here.

I used to look forward a lot to LG meeting and after-church activities because I really enjoyed spending time with the companions that embarks on this journey to eternity together. Now, everything just feels cold and lonely.

Perhaps its the structural fault, perhaps its the people, perhaps I just feel unappreciated and unloved. Whatever it is, this is not somewhere I can call home nor feel like a home right now.

- Ben