Saturday, February 07, 2015

Circle of Error

I am astonished how Leigh Nash and Matt Slocum from Sixpence None The Richer writes such amazing song. It is not only a Christian band but an realistic one at that. Especially the songs from the early 90's, specifically the 'This Beautiful Mess' album. 'Love, Salvation & The Fear of Death" as well as 'Circle of Error' really connects to me in so many level.

Attending a support group that deals with a specific sexuality issue, I find myself in an entirely new and odd environment. Even the worship style and genre is different. Generally in a nutshell, I am quite scared and uncomfortable. I'm not sure what kind of fellowship and direction I am going to gather from this group but seeing as a goal to point me in the right direction of holy sexuality, this is a fear and struggle I have to wrestle with.

On hindsight, I do think there is a lot of bandages and old wounds that is going to be ripped open. It does feel like I'm going into a spiritual surgery. It make sense that to heal badly patched wound is to open it again and correct it. I just wished that things weren't so fucked up but it is.

I think recently I am caught on the consumerism pattern. So bad that I am broke-ass days before payday. It certainly does feels like I am buying objects to fill this emptiness in my heart. Coming back to the Circle of Error, the lyrics is so correct, so direct and so blunt.

"...When I kneel to pray, it never seems that you're never there and I'll admit that I do not try when it's easier to sit down and cry. I'm so full of doubt".

Nevertheless, it has always been an war of conflicting thoughts and argument in my head between self-destruction and self-preservation these few month. I do want to have a good cry about all this but most of the time I just feel so emotion-less about it. It's just, sad, but not sad enough to cry.

I do feel like I have missed God's train towards salvation and fruitfulness. It is disorientating when the church is always talking about harvest and favors when this whole period is all about being left alone in a desert looking for a tiny oasis. It feels like God is hanging me out to dry but again, it is equally hard for me to crawl toward's God. I admit that I hate God and I hate myself for all this crap that is going on. It is hard to find joy when the center of my life is a black-hole of nothingness.

I'd pray for healing in my heart but it seems to take a great deal of strength to even make a sincere prayer. Perhaps I deserve to be hang utterly dry? I really wonder who would secretly pray for my soul at this very moment. At least I know that was a practice I used to do and journal it down everyday in the days of leadership.

At Concourse Starbucks now, I would never turn up for service today but because Glenn is attending without anyone, I am here. Call me a patriot in the Kingdom without the love of God in my heart, I secretly hope it is otherwise.

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