The Hell Song

I find it funny that some people are actually envious of my life, or maybe, jealous. It is unbelievable in my point of view.

There are people who says that I am very lucky to be almost independent even before I turn 21. To those who live in Singapore and actually understands, yes, I am way ahead of all my peers. In terms of qualification and career wise.

The question is, what price did I pay to have all this ?

Coming back to those who are envious, having all this does not mean I had nothing to pay for. I did not experience the life of tertiary or ever enjoy my childhood. Even before I was 12, I already knew that life is going to be very difficult and my family will never provide for me. In my opinion, no children should ever have to go through their childhood worrying about stuff like this. I had to.

If my childhood was just about worrying, sure, then it is just paranoia. No. The worries are real. Having to live through occasional blackouts at home and debtors' visits.

Probably the biggest ruin of my childhood was that I don't have a complete family. Sure, we can all go through hell and financial ruins as a family. However, the word 'family' just simply doesn't exist in my world. I know my father does not provide nor does he provide since I'm young. Even till now, he is still asking for money occasionally even when he is working.

Back in 1995, my father is a millionaire. Until the Asia financial crisis in 1997. What bothers me is, even with all that money, my father did not bother to invest in a better property or provided the family well. Never bought my mother gift or bring her to fancy restaurant. Or any of that for any of us for that matter.

After becoming bankrupt and the family discovering the extra-marital affair, my mother still decide to stick by him. Only because I was still a kid. Sometimes, I rue the day I was born to be honest. In just a few year on 2005, my father screw up a business again, only to cause my mother to become bankrupt as well.

The biggest bummer is having to live with the knowledge that your father owns a condo somewhere, living it off from the profit of selling a house with another women whose womb you do not come from. All that luxury, that you do not benefit from yet to suffer the torture.

All that money, not a single cent that flows into the family.

Everyday after I leave office, I know that I don't return home. I simply return to a house, a shelter. There is no home for me. The fact that I live through my whole childhood not being able to enjoy what others enjoyed because their parent provided for them, sheltered them, so that they can be worried-free, it SUCKS big time.

It pains me whenever I attend someone's graduation parade, whether POP/SCS/OCS/ORD, whatever. It pains because those people who graduate, almost always, their parent will be there to be happy and proud for their son. I don't get to experience that, or ever again I will. The scene of enlisting alone, passing out with no parent to look forward to, that will always be fresh in my mind. But still, of course that doesn't mean I should be bitter about people graduating.

I know that I could have went to NA stream, do well enough to get into Poly and live the kind of life I want to experience. But I couldn't be so selfish. Even before I finish my N level, I was already partially working. Some people work for extra money, but its not like they are poor or their family is poor. However, that is me. Such is my situation.

Who the hell start working at 16 to pay off their diploma ? I'm probably not the only one but in the final analysis, no one should have to go through that. Or at least forced to go through that.

All this are not without criticism. I guess along the way, people do want to take you down even when you are already very much under. Some people commented that I shouldn't have took a private diploma or even further study. My question is, who's gonna provide for me if I don't crawl upwards ?

To be honest, some people think that I'm rather arrogant. If I were to put this bluntly forward without any grace, its because I have earned my right to be arrogant. I have justified my right to be arrogant.

I guess at the end of the day, God's grace is still very much at play. I have been blessed with a very loving brother and a very loving church. There are some truth to private diploma being second-rate. However, I guess God really provides. My very first corporate job out of army, I'm already paid above the national average.

With all this at hand, am I one to be truly envious of ? I hope not. I did not came so far without paying the right price or worked hard in toiling.

- Ben