It certainly has been a tiring week. Both physically and mentally. Work has been becoming increasingly complicated and tough, though I guess that's good thing since it does keeps my mind off what I am not supposed to think about. Or at least what I am not supposed to think about at work.
Then again, I knew subconsciously I still look forward to the weekend, not because church or anything. Of course, I do value church, seeing the people and my rest since work has been exorbitantly draining on the mental side. Then again, I really do want to see him.
I guess it has not been so much intense after the last post and speaking of this issue to some people whom I think that is trust-able. I find that keep myself away from texting him seems to be a working solution. Actually, this is rather ironic as well. Some may see this as an issue, some see this as a normal thing and some thinks that this may be a bliss. Can't help thinking that its wrong and I should stay away.
Coming to subway and reflect seems to become a place of comfort for me. Especially the sofa seat. Still, its a torture, as how my counselor calls it, a push-pull or tug-o-war in the mind. Its torturing how I want to see him every single second yet when I do, I just feel like I losing myself and I should step away. Does stepping away really solve the solution ? I know even my counselor can''t help me on this sexuality issue.
Been wanting to watch Purple Light, a short film that speaks about homosexuality in a more or less tempting and demanding circumstances. It is really meaningful, for those who have not watched it. It speaks about the main actor who fell in love with his buddy, however to put his buddy's need and situation above his own's want for him. Because his buddy has a girlfriend. I guess perhaps in conclusion, its really about putting others before yourself and what you feel, again, that's one aspect of love. That is to put other's above your own needs.
Signing off. I should really reflect more often.
- Ben
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