Circle of Error

I am astonished how Leigh Nash and Matt Slocum from Sixpence None The Richer writes such amazing song. It is not only a Christian band but an realistic one at that. Especially the songs from the early 90's, specifically the 'This Beautiful Mess' album. 'Love, Salvation & The Fear of Death" as well as 'Circle of Error' really connects to me in so many level.

Attending a support group that deals with a specific sexuality issue, I find myself in an entirely new and odd environment. Even the worship style and genre is different. Generally in a nutshell, I am quite scared and uncomfortable. I'm not sure what kind of fellowship and direction I am going to gather from this group but seeing as a goal to point me in the right direction of holy sexuality, this is a fear and struggle I have to wrestle with.

On hindsight, I do think there is a lot of bandages and old wounds that is going to be ripped open. It does feel like I'm going into a spiritual surgery. It make sense that to heal badly patched wound is to open it again and correct it. I just wished that things weren't so fucked up but it is.

I think recently I am caught on the consumerism pattern. So bad that I am broke-ass days before payday. It certainly does feels like I am buying objects to fill this emptiness in my heart. Coming back to the Circle of Error, the lyrics is so correct, so direct and so blunt.

"...When I kneel to pray, it never seems that you're never there and I'll admit that I do not try when it's easier to sit down and cry. I'm so full of doubt".

Nevertheless, it has always been an war of conflicting thoughts and argument in my head between self-destruction and self-preservation these few month. I do want to have a good cry about all this but most of the time I just feel so emotion-less about it. It's just, sad, but not sad enough to cry.

I do feel like I have missed God's train towards salvation and fruitfulness. It is disorientating when the church is always talking about harvest and favors when this whole period is all about being left alone in a desert looking for a tiny oasis. It feels like God is hanging me out to dry but again, it is equally hard for me to crawl toward's God. I admit that I hate God and I hate myself for all this crap that is going on. It is hard to find joy when the center of my life is a black-hole of nothingness.

I'd pray for healing in my heart but it seems to take a great deal of strength to even make a sincere prayer. Perhaps I deserve to be hang utterly dry? I really wonder who would secretly pray for my soul at this very moment. At least I know that was a practice I used to do and journal it down everyday in the days of leadership.

At Concourse Starbucks now, I would never turn up for service today but because Glenn is attending without anyone, I am here. Call me a patriot in the Kingdom without the love of God in my heart, I secretly hope it is otherwise.

Depression

With a certain degree of truth and accuracy, I think I am officially clinically depressed. War of argument and logical explanation rages in my head. Joining LG seems to totally sap me of my joy. I can't remember when was the last time I truly cannot be bothered on a Saturday and it seems that today is the day.

Didn't even managed to make it through 30 minute after dinner, I just walked out on the dinner. I just hate to see how nonchalant Jeremy is and how Aaron seems to be oblivious to everything. Everyone seems to be real happy. I feel like a lunatic.

I have lost my ability to be happy for people. Maybe subconsciously, I am actually annoyed that people are joyful and I can't be. Right now, I really wish that I could lose my memories. I can't believe how memories can be so sweet yet bitter at the same time, yet it is. It is the case for me. I can't think back to good memories without being depressed and sad about what's happened. It seems like my whole entire life is a story of tragic ending.

Maybe the inevitable is coming. Perhaps I have to come to admit that it is unavoidable that in order to walk away, learn to let go and forgive is to really walk away from everyone whom I ever loved because looking at them are the source of misery for me. Or maybe the source of misery is myself, probably is. But I guess baby steps.

Fall

Looking back at Year 2014, all I can say is, it's a year full of turbulent. Perhaps one of my worst year in the 21 year on human earth. It's funny how I have desired so much to leave the Army yet at this point of time, I am yearning with all my heart to go back. Not sure if it is because I miss the people, the memories, or the carefree nature of it. All I know was, the past 2 years in NS has been a blessing in disguise.

With the past 3 month behind, I feel that I have descended onto a downward spiral, emotionally and spiritually. Never have I ever felt so lonely and bitter, maybe when I realize how fake my friends in Secondary School were but this is different. It is depressing I supposed.

Supposed you have based your life on the one thing and spent every waking moment obsessing over it, what happens when that one thing in your life turns out to be something different, or losing sight of it? I feel as though I am staring straight into hell, Sometimes, it does feel that every waking moment is like living hell.

I think on a subconscious level, I do blame and maybe, a tinge of hate towards God for the whole Maurise saga that happened. Both for the ostracizing of Issac and the whole split-Lifegroup leadership thing. No doubt I believe in the existence of God and the whole thing about Jesus dying. But at this point, the story of a loving God seems rather far-fetched and fake to me, honestly.

Loneliness has never been so loud until now. I genuinely thought that there are people whom I can lean on and stand with to fight the battle for truth. However coming to this point, I find myself standing alone, hating and feeling bitter over what happened while everyone around me seems to have move on. This really questions my confidence and my sanity. Am I picking a fight or everyone just can't be bothered to give a flying fuck about truth and rights?

I think Ben Sledge from Heart Support puts this perfectly that everyone carries open wounds and shards of glass. But then it seems to me that I am always the one being prick and triage-ing and no one is here to tend to my wounds. I'm starring straight into hell and everyone around me is blind to it. Truly, it is at this time that I find myself strength-less.

Whatever visions I see for Ignite 12, I have lost it and I have no strength to accomplish it. It seems to me that I am the only one fighting and everyone is just gathering for the rah-rah on a Saturday evening because we got nothing else better to do. It's a lifegroup that I have found no life and fellowship in. It's a lifegroup that I find myself running away instead of confiding. How ironic and conflicting!

At the very end, I have found that no one is dependable. At my greatest time of needs. Was I running away from this cold hard truth all the time or was I just naive? Life seems hardly worth living, except that I acknowledge I do not own my life and I have no rights to take my own life.

- Ben

Newman, Love, Talbott

It is terrifying how time passes with the last blog post being 30th September. I guess it simply just signifies how busy I have been and I have not been reflecting nor writing for the past 20 days.

With the past 3 weeks that has flew by unknowingly, with a clearer mind and stable emotion, I am confident to say that it is a right choice to move out of Ignite 7th. Although it did made the church questioned my spiritual stability and being taken out of the music ministry, I think I have exchanged back my sanity and joy.

I'm glad that I am able to view things with an objective mindset and with the very least prejudice I could afford. At least through this very stage, I know who stands by as my friend and those who I could lean on for a little support. Nonetheless, burdening others has never been my strong point and never will be in the near future I supposed.

I want to reflect on this very specific person and his philosophy today. Newman. John Henry Newman. There is not a chance that I could have met this man because he passed away at 1890 in Birmingham, United Kingdom. Newman was a Cardinal Deacon in one of the Roman Catholic church in England, in the last moment of his life.

It is by randomness that I discovered this man. While considering the University I should go to, University College Dublin was one of the choice. And upon researching on the history of UCD, Newman was the man who founded this University in the 1800s and on the first day, he prophesied that this University will grow to be a prestigious one. Indeed it is, the biggest University in Ireland and top 2% in the world.

However, it is not this prophecy that caught my attention. It is his definition and sermon on love. I have never seen anyone who described love better than Newman himself when he decided to write this sermons around 180+ years ago.

"...Now I shall here maintain, in opposition to such notions of Christian love, and with our Savior's pattern before me, that the best preparation for loving the world at large, and loving it duly and wisely, is to cultivate an intimate friendship and affection towards those who are immediately about us." - John H. Newman , Volume 2 Sermon 5, Love of Relations and Friends. Circa. 1835.

He is also a man who had very close relations with a few people and in the last few moment of his life, he willed to be bury in the same graves of his dear friend.

Personally, I think as human, we all desire intimacy and close relationship. And undoubtedly, we cannot have intimacy with a crowd but only small group of people. It is also my judgmental nature that I deem anyone as shallow if they do not desire one. It just means they want attention, and at that with a big group of people, not intimacy. These are not people you can lean a shoulder on at times of needs and pain.

Coming back to the current circumstance, I am beginning to enjoy Ignite 12th. I have always enjoyed that I don't have to put on a face of spirituality if I don't feel spiritual and I don't have to oblige myself to obey instructions that I don't believe in. In the end, I supposed it's a good call and that's all I need to know.

Hopefully at the end of all this, it is God who is trying to lead me to somewhere and this is an experience that is part of the learning package and not because I decided to take things into my own hand. Still, I acknowledge that I need to step away from Haojie and I need to let go of whatever I had held onto my heart and gain new understandings.

- Ben

Thoughts and Memoirs

Spent the whole last week burying my head into the basic theories and defensive theories for Class 2B. I can only say that it is totally draining and a waste of time. Well, except to refresh my knowledge on the do's and don't on the road. And then, lots of time on debating back and forth on the thoughts in my head.

These 2 and 1/2 week has certainly been a period of much thinking. Certainly emotional as well. I am surprisingly well-aware of my feelings and the emotions I am going through. I guess the best way to explains is that I'm going through the 5 stages of grief.

It is funny because the 5 stages of grief can only occur when you are grieving for something. A loss, death of a loved ones, sudden emotional trauma, .etc. And maybe this applies because the church and the Lifegroup specifically has been a big part of my life.

After this short period of time, reality has hit hard that I really don't have a life outside of church. It is really depressing that this thing that I have spent a large part of my life revolving around, failed me in the end. Ultimately it is true that God did not fail me but I felt compel to blame God for this.

It is disappointing as well that ever since I made the decision to leave, most people are just speculating on why I made the decision to leave and judging me while what I truly do need is just someone to hear my thoughts and concerns. I think coming to this point of time, I am reassured that only Blogger is willing to listen. Listen, not just hear.

Disappointment after one another, it is sad that they have decided to put me out of the musio. Whether temporary or not, it is hurting to find out that the decision was made without even discussing with me or finding out what happened. Instead, all this went on behind my back. Maybe people are just afraid of people lying to one another.

Perhaps majority of those people who left church, maybe what they need at the very point of making the decision was truly just a listening ear. When Glenn made the decision to leave, I did not sit around, do a differential on why he is leaving. I met him up and had coffee. Oh wait, maybe I'm just different. Perhaps over-radical? While Jeremy says that he saw this "difference in leadership style" coming, maybe he should ask himself if he had a plan so that things would not end up like this.

I'm not trying to victimized myself. I am the victim of this whole shit that went down. And no, I do not sit around crying wolf but there's just no choice. Nothing can be done. Utterly disappointed that Jeremy said he will not interfere in this matter. Utterly disappointed that Ignite 12th is falling apart and Jeremy seems nonchalant about it. This is not what I heard before the split.

I do not believe in a facade. However, perhaps this whole situation would have been very different if I chose to put on one instead. Stewart's incident with Jeremy and Jeremiah was a very good learning lesson. Yet I ignored, thinking they can be trusted.

I'm not sure at this point if I should feel sad, disappointed, angry, frustrated, nonchalant. Watching House M.D. has been an avenue of escape for me. To actually stop thinking, analyzing and just indulge.

There is no joy in being noble, righteous and obedient. At least not that I see how God loves me right now that things has turned to shit and people turning their faces against me. Part of me wants to declare that God does not exist and I have wasted my youth. Yet I cannot deny the miracles and goodness I had experienced. Loneliness on earth is hell and I rather not wake up to see the sun rise.

Innocence Lost

Andy Timmons and Kiko Loureiro is my new obsession of solo instrumentals. Just love how the shredding has so much emotion. Coincidentally, they are both Ibanez guitar endorsee. Somehow there's just something about Ibanez guitar that's is so mesmerizing which I don't get it.

After the last post and with some thoughts and consideration, I have pretty much arrived at new-found resolution. Meeting my brother for dinner, I am almost embarrass to say I spent most of the time complaining about the circumstance, other than the occasional small talk on his wedding and my job which is really going just fine.

Did I achieve catharsis? Not really. I did realize that ever since the merge, I have been complaining every single time I met him for dinner. Is it really just me? I feel like such a big misfit and honestly sometime, maybe, just maybe I thought that I am being a wimpy kid. Quite a possibility considering I am the only one who is revolting.

Well, what has been said and done is long gone. I really feel like I'm in such a misery, torn between visions and desires. It is really time to re-align what I thought was true and real. Leaving the group would be the best way. I'm exhausted and sick of all the small talks and surface doings.

Maybe seeing as how Haojie is leaving for Australia, this is a good chance to distance myself once and for all from him, from the group, from everything. I need to move on.

Somehow, this feels exactly as breaking up with Pinky. No appetite, no energy, some morning I just feel like a walking dead, zombified. With no answer in sight, this whole situation feels strangely familiar but haunting at the same time.

I think no doubt I will pick up and walk away from this. Then again, its a question of when and how does it changes me as a person. I felt like I have aged a couple of years the last few month. I can totally understand why my colleague says they don't feel that I'm a 20 year old kid turning 21 next month. 

Now I understand. The person who smile the widest are also the person who was hurt the most. The person who loved the most are also the person who needed to be love the most.

But perhaps my heart has grown so cold I no longer need any loving.

- Ben

Somewhere Only We Know

Today seems like a good Saturday. Sun-shining, warm weather and I love just how the new cotton navy V-neck t-shirt from Zalora feels so good on my skin and CK One doing its thing; smelling good, along with a new pair of Havaianas slipper because my red Cotton On slipper had a hole in it.

Unfortunately, reality struck quick and fast and a morbid one at that, there is no awesome LG to look forward to. Just a church service that feels oh-so-foreign to me nowadays that I wonder if the passing of time will ever help?

I really feel that I have parachuted myself onto a quick sand, maybe I have set myself on a journey of a long-dark tunnel which I could not see an end for light, To be honest, the word 'suffocation' is an understatement. Struck me suddenly why am I in so much misery when perhaps from a 3rd party point of view, this is just something minor.

I really think that all human-kind, we are somewhat a creature of habit. No matter how hobo a person is, there are things that we simply have a preference that it be done and experienced in a specific manner. With regards to that, I cannot deny that yes, I am heavily guilty of being a habitual person. But it did occurred to me that perhaps habitual preference is inevitable because we all desire security and security can only be found in something we are experience of, know of and know it full well.

While everyone seems to be perfectly fine, some perhaps even embracing the merger of NS and YA group, I don't. I'm not sure if it is more burdensome and noble to know of the merger plan way beforehand or those who simply does not knew a thing and was carried into the merger just out of sudden. Certainly, I did not felt good even from the start. Especially knowing that we are merging with the 2 person that I simply disliked right from the very start.

To be tossed into this wind of change, perhaps not just a wind but a tornado of change, no doubt there are habits and preference that I have to give up and lay down. Specifically in the order of leadership and the people that I used to see every Saturday.

Coming to this stage, I realize that the changes that I had to make were far too great, perhaps far too great for myself to face. I struggled but I have come to a conclusion - no, I really do not have the strength to face these changes.

But perhaps what really is heart-breaking is for someone to come and say "You are no longer needed to function as you were". Albeit not directly, I knew that was how it came into my face. It is heart-breaking because I have spent my last 2 years revolving my life on one thing - to serve others and build people up. To have that role scaled-down and taken away to a somewhat extent, I have to say that really destroys my spirit and passion.

With the above said and done, I carry no longer any passion nor conviction, purpose or meaning to function. The merger did bought about new growth and challenges, both which I embraced, yet it took away the homely company that I look forward to every weekend. And so much so because I have no homely company elsewhere and this is the only place I have anchored myself to be in.

Having considered the option of a group change or perhaps more drastically, a church change, I avoided that option because I still had burdens and Maurise apologized for what she had said. But coming to this stage and what I have experienced thus far, sadly I am drained. Its time to stop putting myself in such a misery and let changes happen.

I can't remember when was the last time I seek God and desire new refreshment but I knew this whole matter did engulfed my heart and soul. Some may say in offense that I have anchored my life in the wrong ground but in my defense, is it such wrong that I have sought to serve from the example  when the Lord Himself washes His disciples feet? 

Some may say serving does not conflicts with leadership but in my experience for the past 4 month, I can only say its Yes & No. No because I am constantly cockblock by what I want to do and Yes because the action itself is far too small to be conflicted.

Could be I'm just a misfit. No matter what, I have no more energy to care and discussion with Daniel? Save it for the other groups. Sometimes crying seems to be the best way, but I have cried my eyes dry.

- Ben

Used To Be Mine

Usually, I do not listen to indie music neither am I a fan of one. However, I really think Last Dinosaurs is one of the better indie band I have ever heard, other than the more known indie like The XX or Arctic Monkeys. Used To Be Mine by Last Dinosaurs really speaks and identify in my depress moment these few days. Especially the licks which really speaks of loneliness.

Perhaps being emotionally depress has really bought my energy way low down. I thank God for having an awesome colleague, Yvonne. She is a Catholic Christian and is on her way to converting to Roman Catholic, though by religion we are different with me being a Protestant, I think fundamentally we understood and read the same teaching and doxology.

Even though I have been running regularly and sleeping for more than 7 hours everyday, I am still tired as crap and that's not because my work is tough, contrary to that, I think my actual working hour is probably only 3 hours out of the 9 hours I spent sitting my ass in the office.

She has pointed out and it really make sense to me, is that I am tired because emotionally I am depressed. I think that totally make sense. Maybe I am so drained every single morning is because I am dreading to face the world and I look forward to the ceasing of my existence. How dull.

Having the rare opportunity of meeting Tim and talking to him, it has relish my experience on why I did not want to become a shepherd ever again. I remember crying my heart out back in Youth because I have failed and 3 sheep of mine backslides simultaneously. I admit I was young and inexperienced back then.

Still, maybe it is my fault or maybe it is not mine, I am heart broke to see Tim falling. Honestly, I am doubtful of my commitment and skills to ever help people. Depressing thoughts floods my mind once again that perhaps I should give up on everything that I am holding onto.

It is really tempting to leave Hope and find a new home to worship. Somehow, Hope just feels so foreign to me. How ironic that the church is call Hope yet I am struggling to find a tinge of hope here.

I used to look forward a lot to LG meeting and after-church activities because I really enjoyed spending time with the companions that embarks on this journey to eternity together. Now, everything just feels cold and lonely.

Perhaps its the structural fault, perhaps its the people, perhaps I just feel unappreciated and unloved. Whatever it is, this is not somewhere I can call home nor feel like a home right now.

- Ben

A blank point of view

At some point, it probably occurs to everyone out there, perhaps as an epiphany or just a moment of thought, that everyone around you has their own background, a sob story to tell and pains to face. Personally I do not believe that even the richest person has no pains. Perhaps the pains he/she has to go through to achieve great wealth is just one of it.

The above thoughts, not many people could hold in their heart as a world view to approach people. I don't think I approach people with "this person probably has his own sob story". But meeting Enting last night has made me reviewed my paradigm of seeing people. Maybe people acts in a certain way is determined by their own pains and personal story. More specifically, the story with big incidents that changed their growing up years.

I'm probably not gonna get a degree in psychology but seeing as how the above idea is and after ruminating on it, I guess it is not such a surprise that people put on mask(s) to protect themselves. Masks to hide their vulnerable side and insecurities. I think its true that is not such a surprise, since as primates we take cover to hide from danger, we do the same mentally.

It makes sense. Sometimes people just want to understand our weak point to gain the upper hand. Very rare would people take time to listen a fellow out and help them. I mean, who the hell has time in Singapore to help a fellow brother out right? It's all about degree, career and settling down.

But I guess the more masks a person put on, it just means the more scars and pain a person has to deal with. Or let me reiterate, the equation above applies to majority of the people around us.

And so I asked, what's the downside to masks? It simply disallowed people who are willing to invest and help you out because they could not understand you on a personal and intimate level. But again, I guess that also serve to filter out those who are genuinely interested in us, yes?

- Ben